"Not Pretty Enough"

Before my descent into chaos I started to write about personal theme songs.  To me that’s the music that plays inside my head, like a soundtrack to my life.  I don’t really know if other people experience this, but music is a strong influence in my life.  I have to be careful of what I listen to because it impacts my life in a strong way.  For instance, I previously posted that one of my personal themes is Kasey Chambers’ “Not Pretty Enough”.  Because the videos don’t seem to be playing the way I want them to, and I’m not far enough out of the abyss yet to have the energy to look for a better video, I’ll include some lyrics-

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can

The key to what makes this song so impactful to me is not in the idea that she’s not pretty, it’s in the idea that she’s downright invisible.  She cries out several times (in the chorus and then repeats it about five times at the end of the song) “Why do you see right through me?”.  She’s doing the best she can, just struggling through life, and yet she’s invisible, whomever she is singing about doesn’t just not return her emotion, he doesn’t even know she’s there.  And I’ve been there.  Yearning for something, for someone, and knowing that no matter what I do, I can’t have it.  And the thing is, I’m so used to being that invisible girl that I’ve grown used to it.  I don’t like it when people look at me.  I don’t like when people are aware of me, and I go to some extremes to insure that people don’t see me.  I’vewritten before about my theory of “fake Tina” and “real Tina” but there’s more to it than just the way I act.  For a long time I dyed my hair big bold colors (I was a particular fan of jet black), wore outrageous clothes trying to keep all the attention on “fake Tina”.  “Real Tina” has been out in the open a lot more recently, but I’ve spent all that time trying to develop a Tina that is unnoticeable because I don’t want to draw attention.  Although, apparently there is a flaw, because I think I’ve been noticed.

I started this post with the idea that I would write about other personal themes, but I’ll have to leave it for another night, and another mindframe.  Because now I’m off to listen to a forbidden song, and dwell on… things I’m not talking about yet.