Tonight I got to hang out with a friend (who, for the purposes of this post I’ll keep anonymous), and it was super fun. She’s married whilst I remain single. But I love to read, so if the conversation turns, as it did tonight, to sex or relationship while I have no practical information (as in info that I’ve actually used), I have tons of theoretical info from journal articles, Cosmo, books, etc.. So I insist on saying stuff anyway, and I think that makes this particular friend uncomfortable (because she is conservative and is uncomfortable with the thought that I may or may not have engaged in premarital activities- no fears, I didn’t). The other problem is that I will be open about what I think and I don’t couch things in a way to make them more palatable. If we’re talking about sex I prefer to talk about sex, but I think perhaps that made my friend uncomfortable too because she’s more conservative and would perhaps prefer if we could be more vague about stuff. Sorry :(
Meanwhile, I’ve come up with an important theory about my life. There are two “Tina’s”. There’s “real Tina” who is shy, nervous about important things, and private. Then there’s “fake Tina”. Fake Tina is the Tina most people know because she’s kind of like a magician. She’s loud and self-assured. She not only is uncensored but she gives to much information. She’s screaming for you to pay attention to her “Hey! Look over here! I’m gonna do something outrageous!! Look at me!!” but it’s less because she wants you to pay attention to her and more because if you think you already know all there is to know about “Tina” you won’t go looking for “real Tina”. If “fake Tina” is all flashy and begging you to pay attention to her, “real Tina” remains safe and unnoticed.
For instance, last night I was out with Kristin and other friends, including one young man who shall remain nameless but whom I happen to have a crush on. Have for years, probably always will. BUT, and here’s where it gets *fun* he’s completely…uninterested isn’t the right word here but it’s close to what I mean. Perhaps unaware? Can he be unaware of me? Anyway, back to my theory. If he’s uninterested in “fake Tina” that doesn’t bother me, because that’s not the real me anyway, but if he spent time with the “real Tina” and remained uninterested, that would bother me. So “fake Tina” is the Tina who got to go out for Kristin’s birthday last night. And she was at her fake best, blatantly checking out the waiter’s butt (because if I’m checking out other guys then clearly I don’t have any sort of crush on anyone at my table right?), making naughty comments, and basically being her loud distracting self.
I don’t always think that this is a problem. We all having coping mechanisms when we’re in stressful situations. But I think for me it has become a problem because “fake Tina” has been the only Tina who gets to go out for a long time now. Even my best friends don’t see a lot of “real Tina” even when we’re alone and talking and I’m comfortable, it’s just too hard to take off the mask that everyone knows and reveal my true self. But wouldn’t it be better if I could reveal my real self, at least to some people? If I could act normal, around my friends? If I could be comfortable enough to let people see me without the mask? That’s why I write here on this blog, almost every entry here has been written by “real Tina” and now someone who read my archives one boring Saturday afternoon could know me better than my best friend of ten years. But, now that I’m aware of what I’m doing, I’m going to make a concentrated effort to let “real Tina” out of her shell a little more often. So, if you think you know, but think I’m acting weird lately, that’s why. Be quiet and don’t scare me and you might get to see a rare sight, “real Tina” out in the world, interacting with people.