Resolute

I resolve to be a better blogger.
I resolve to read The Simarillion.
I resolve to continue on my way to a healthier me.
I resolve to remember, in all things, "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting.", and all the implications therein.
I resolve to remember also, "I would rather regret things I've done, than things I haven't." I also resolve to not let my 20s end without doing something to look back on, whether I regret that thing or not, is for time to tell- but I will do something.

Most of those resolutions are not "good" resolutions, in that they are vague without any supporting details to round them out and make them actually mean anything. I'll work out the details later this week, I just wanted to share the things I've been thinking about this week. This was my last New Year's Eve in my twenties. It was also the last of the child-free holidays in my group of friends since Jamie and Chris will have a teeny-tiny of their very own by mid-April. There are many changes in store for our little band of travelers* this year. Hopefully, some of them will be for me. It was thinking about all this, that led to the resolutions above.

*This is kind of a "my friend J-ism" but sometimes I think of my group of friends as a weird little fellowship, except without being stalked by orcs or the need to destroy the One Ring.

It Took To Long

It took to long for this great speech to occur. It took to long for his dream to become reality, and that great day is not yet here. Some are free, many more than when this speech was given on the steps of the Lincoln Monument, but until the day that everyone is free, that dream has not come true. Until the day that no one, the world round, has to fear for his or her life because of race, color, creed, or any other reason, this dream remains a dream. Until the day that we can cherish rather than fear our differences, this dream is not a reality. Until the day this dream is a dream no longer, the principles of freedom we celebrate today are still a dream because until we are all free, none of us are free.

Happy Independence Day everyone- here's hoping I live to see the year when I can celebrate the reality, not just the hope!

Declaration of Independence

I suppose I should have held this back until tomorrow, but I wanted to provide a quick and easy way to read it BEFORE the grills are lit, the drinking begins, and we all lose track of what we're celebrating.

Happy Independence Day!

Yesterday I posted one of my favorite patriotic songs, but Independence Day isn't just about "hey I love my country" it's about how we got here. I hope today's video helps you remember how you got to where you are, and reminds you of how we got here. Plus there's a bonus video because I couldn't pick!


Hope that reminds you of your childhood as strongly as it does for me!

I Want to Properly Honor the Holiday...

...But this weekend is so crazy, that you'll have to make do with some videos that remind me about what's important to me. I'll post one video a day from now until the Fourth of July (or at least I'll try). Have a safe, happy holiday!

30 Days of Song- Day 11 (Also- Easter)

Day 11. Song from your favorite band- I don’t really have a favorite band, so I looked at the artist stats on my Windows Media Player. Toby Keith wins the contest of “artist who has the most minutes of music on my computer” so that’s who I picked a song from for today. Toby has a lot of pretty good ballady songs, and once I started writing a screenplay for a rom-com that could use only Toby Keith songs for the soundtrack. Pretty early on the hero was to realize he was falling in love with the heroine during a scene in which the song “You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This” played. That is today’s song.

Also, I hope you had a nice Easter. I did. I spent the morning in church (I love Easter service), the afternoon with my best friend's extended family (running joke on holidays at this point- "She should just change her name at this point, we see her often enough"). When I got home, it was to a second Easter dinner with my family, my mom's boyfriend and his daughter, and a few of the boyfriend's friends. Also, my mom asked me what I think of the boyfriend. This would make me think she' pretty serious about the guy, except I already knew that because she almost never comes home from his place.

Christmas Eve and Other Stuff

So here’s the thing. Back in October (I think??) my bookclub read The Monk, which was so ridiculous that I had to love it. Anyhoodle, one of my bookclubbers read to us from a review of The Monk he had found online and it was so funny that we made him email all of us the link so we could go read the whole thing. Except it was so great that I started reading all of the reviews, and totally using the reviews to pad my (already quite long) to-read list over at Goodreads. Today I had nothing much to do, so I totally worked on that all day. And my to-read list went from 28 to 39 when I added all next year’s bookclub picks to 98 when I started reading Books I Done Read and I’m only on the letter M as I write this. People, I am never, ever going to finish my to-read list. Especially when you find out that I have two other to-read lists which have none of the same books (one on my phone and one on a notebook I keep in my purse).
Also, I was going to tell you about Chicago.
I love Chicago. Also, I love holiday traditions because I don’t really have any. My best friend, however, does. One of hers is a trip to Chicago every December to look at the windows in Macy’s (except it used to be Marshall Field’s and was apparently much better back in the day, but this story is not about the un-Chicago-ing of a Chicago landmark, so moving on…). Except this year her family didn’t go and she didn’t think she was sad about it (due to the apparent sucki-ness of Macy’s compared to Field’s) until I told her that if she wanted to go on Christmas Eve I would go with her. So, Friday off we went to Chicago, and it was awesome. There was cheesecake made out of Frango Mints (which are pretty much the best way to eat chocolate-they are magic candy). There were very few crowds and there were very many “Oh crap, Christmas is tomorrow and we still have whole tons of Christmas stuff!” sales. I bought two gorgeous Christmas ornaments (a wine bottle because of my wine touring this summer and a new topper) for less than either one of them cost full price. The only thing that would have made it better was if her brothers (who were invited) had decided to come, I know she regretted that they weren’t there and she wishes she spent more time with them. Also, they are both very polite young men who don’t make me want to slap them in the face every five seconds like my brother. I took some pics, but there are mostly of glittery things for me to admire, or of sparkly Christmas lights, which I already showed you like forty-seven pictures of, so I won’t include them in this post.
Anyway, that’s all I wanted to tell you about Christmas Eve. Hope your holiday was a wonderfully sweet and comfortable as mine was.

Christmas, Again

I LOVE Christmas Eve church. I always go to the 11:00 service at the church I work at with Kristin and her family. I always sit with her brothers (because she is assisting minister-like every year). And I always feel like the whole service is just one big Christmas hug (if that makes any sense). BUT, when I was a kid the church I went to said that the Bible never said to celebrate Jesus' birthday and so they didn't do anything special AND the church I went to in high school did their special service the Sunday before Christmas and nothing on Christmas Eve. So for me the Christmas Eve service is a choice I've made as an adult and I think that's part of why it means so much to me.
It's kind of weird for me actually. Most days I don't really think about God at all, and even when I do (because I work in a church- it comes up!) it's kind of a here and gone thought. But on Christmas (and Easter, yup I'm one of those people- Chreasters Kristin calls them, who only go to church on Christmas and Easter) I sit in the pew and I can't help but think/pray things like this...
"I know you and I (meaning God and I) don't really spend a lot of time together, and I clearly struggle with the whole God thing, sacrifice and not doing what I want [i.e. list a few sins that I engage in fairly regularly] aren't realy my thing. All the same I am really glad there's this special time. That You are into sacrifice and gave up Heaven to come here to live adn die for people, because hello, you're God, you could totally have just hung out up there pointing and laughing at us and our pointless lives instead."
See, it's weird. Like I see the real meaning, but I can't really take it to heart and I end up standing outside of it all staring in, kind of wishing I could accept it and belong, but not quite being able to do so. Sort of like how I feel with Kristin's family, like I'm ALMOST one of them, but...not really.
And now that I've told way more about my complicated issues than you ever wanted/needed to know, I'll wish you a Happy Christmas and go on with my holiday! Tomorrow, maybe I'll tell you about my trip to Chicago yesterday!

To Do Lists

See I always have big, grand plans for December. I think I’ll attend several Christmas parties, spend time relaxing and thinking about the season, perhaps do Advent for myself (not just my class), make Christmas cookies, and watch classic Christmas movies (you know the ones I’m talking about right? The old claymation movies, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th St., It’s a Wonderful Life, etc). Instead my to-do list ends up looking like this…

1. Finish making Christmas present for friend (who reads this blog, so I can’t tell)
2. Paint scenery for school program
3. Make school program music (which means actually mixing music, not just making a quick cd- it took over four hours!)
4. Work on present for parents (31 handprints per kid later, we’re making super cute handprint calendars)
5. Finish making Christmas cards (quick, spend 28 hours on those so that the FIVE mom wants to sign can sit on the table for over a week waiting to be signed so I can mail them BEFORE Christmas)
6. Buy that one last present that I never get on time, even though it’s the biggest one and I HAVE to get it because it’s from four other people who are all counting on me.
7. Babysit niece and nephew at least three times more than I planned and on nights that I don’t really have the time for them
8. Go see the NEW movie that I’m dying to see, but that has nothing to do with my picturesque Christmas movie plan
9. Help figure out how to make sure the babies (who are supposed to be Jesus) don’t look “like terrorists”
10. Ambitiously agree to help figure out NEXT year’s Christmas program two days after this years
11. Figure out how to make a crib look like a manger, and after thinking about it for days, get told that we can just wrap some paper around the one part they don't like- it totally doesn't need to look like a maner!
12. Stare sullenly at the giant pile of Christmas movies every time I come in or out of the house wishing I could just sit for two hours and watch one of them
13. Spend an entire weekend at holiday magic with two different friends (wait, I actually really enjoyed that one-I’ll post pictures AFTER the Christmas program tomorrow-I mean today)
    

And that, dear friends, is why I haven’t posted in over a week because that, that is just this week’s to-do list. :(
Also- did you know that my last post was my 100th? If I’d known, I might have written a special post just for that, but I just realized today when I was posting number 101, so.. I didn’t.

No Christmas Spirit

I had an entry all written to post tonight when I got home. I wrote it during nap at work, but I had to wake the ids up before I could post it. It’s all about how perception and how I look at myself. I’m sure I’ll post in a few days when I’m nice and calm and rational again. But for now, I’m going to write this one…
I hate Christmas. I never used to. I’m one of those people who just barely gets through Thanksgiving anticipating Christmas. I usually shop on Black Friday. I put my tree up before the weekend is over. This year, like many others, I had presents wrapped and under the tree before Monday. I’m not sure what went wrong this year.
I could say it started Friday. I was a little down because I couldn’t go Black Friday shopping since I was completely broke (should have waited to buy a car until after the holidays!). But, instead I had Nataly over. Mandy and I made plans weeks ago for me to have special Aunt Tina and Naty only time while she was at work and Steve was supposed to have the kids. That day was the first day that I snapped this holiday season. First Steve called me to tell me Naty didn’t want to come with me, but when I talked to her she said she was excited to have our special time. I went to get her and Steve said, “It’s freezing here. Nick and I are coming with you.” I told him no because then Naty and I don’t have our alone time. He yelled a bit more and I told him he could come if he was going to entertain Nick and keep him away from Naty and I. Then he got mad at me and said if I was going to have an attitude about it. When I got her to my house, we started pulling out my special ornaments, the ones that mean something to me. Nataly asked about them and we talked. I pulled out the one that says “Baby’s First Christmas, 1982” and asked her who she thought had their first Christmas in 1982. She thought for a second before very proudly claiming “Jesus!”. Once the tree was up, we watched Christmas movies for awhile (Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and Frosty the Snowman). Then we wrapped the presents that I had already bought before her mom picked her up. Overall, it was a good day. Hopefully that’s how Nataly will remember it, if she remembers it at all.







After work I went grocery shopping. While I was shopping I picked up (and put back) Christmas presents for the kids. I also had to buy new Advent candles because three of mine wouldn’t light today. I spent literally hours looking for purple and pink candles and never found them. Instead I bought a five candle candelabra with the intention of tying ribbon in the appropriate places. When I got home I started working on it, but then I found it.
Neelix (the dog) has been plucking ornaments off the tree since I put it up. What I found was the first one he had destroyed. It had been made for me by a now deceased friend out of terra cotta balls and a mini planter- it was a snowman that meant a lot to me. Now it’s in the garbage. I FLIPPED out and started screaming at the dog. I wound up angrily putting all of my Christmas decorations away so nothing else could get destroyed. Mom had previously pulled all the hangers off a bunch of cheap ball ornaments I had for very basic decorations because Nick tried to eat them and she had promised to fix them for me. Instead they had sat there for three days, in the place she puts stuff she wants me to put away. I asked her if she was going to fix them or if I should throw them away and she got mad at me and told me to throw them away if I was going to have an attitude. So I did. Then I put away all my ornaments and brewed a pot of tea to relax myself.
I feel better now that I’ve written all of this, but I have literally no Christmas spirit left. It’s all drained away from me in a blur of rage and sorrow.

What I'm Thankful For This Year

It is officially Thanksgiving. Also, I just got back from a late dinner with a friend from high school during which we really talked about some serious topics, which I will go into a bit later. The two things combined have really made me reflect on my life and now I want to write about the things I’m most thankful for.

1. I'm thankful that we can change, who we are is never set in stone. Pretty much the thing I’m most thankful for is that I am not the same person I was ten years ago, or even five.
   Ten years ago I graduated high school. Now, I can look back, and I can remember some good times. However, in general I was miserable. I pretty much had one friend and she abandoned me whenever she had a boyfriend. People made fun of me and teased me for being a lesbian (which I am not). I didn’t fit in with choir (where I sang anywhere from soprano to tenor, but nothing very well). I didn’t fit in with the theatre kids because I worked backstage where it was my JOB to blend in and go unnoticed. I didn’t fit in with any of the writing cliques because while I took the classes I was too shy to let others read my writing. I sucked at math and science but cared about my grades so I didn’t fit in with either the smart kids or the kids who didn’t care about grades. I was socially inept and generally uncomfortable with who I was.
   Today while I can still see some my old behaviors, I am much more confident in who I am. Part of the trouble in high school was how clear it was that I had a crush on a certain boy. I wasn’t very subtle in how I expressed myself. He was friends with a girl I sometimes talked to, and I would go hang out at her lunch table just so I could check him out and pretty much ignore the girl was pretending to be talking to. I made my friend pose for pics in front of him and cut her out so I could get a pic of him. It was ridiculous. I still can’t keep a secret (especially at Christmas, I get to excited about the “perfect gift” I’ve bought and can’t resist dropping unsubtle hints), but at least I can be a little more subtle about crushes.
   Five years ago my best friend (the same one from high school) admitted to me that she basically used me as a scapegoat, that I was someone to yell at anytime she was angry at someone else. And instead of standing up for myself I let her get away with it because I was still so shy I didn’t really have any other friends. Eventually I grew a spine and wouldn’t let her treat me like that anymore. That combined with some other stuff was the last straw for her and we had it out weeks before her wedding and haven’t spoken since.
   Today I still don’t make friends easily, but I do have a small group of friends that I can be myself around. None of them would even consider scapegoating another adult and I generally wouldn’t let anyone treat me like that anymore.
   I hope that I will continue to grow and become more the person I want to be and I’m thankful that I have that chance.
2. I’m also thankful that I have good friends. My family isn’t close and I’m truly thankful that I have a wide support system of people who are like family to me. My best friend’s family welcomes me with open arms at most holidays (actually…I think at all holidays). Without my friends I wouldn’t be the person that I am today and I like who I am. Without the group of friends I now surround myself with, I would never have grown that spine I mentioned before. I would still be the shy, awkward girl with no opinion instead of a fairly outspoken woman who knows what I want and don’t apologize when it’s not what others expect.
3. I’m thankful for the opportunities that I’ve had. I was able to walk away from a good job and study full time for an entire year, which very few adults are able to do, and as a result I graduated college. I know that while I had to work hard for that, without my father I would never have had that opportunity. Even in this economy I still have a good job, and not just any job I have a job I love and was just promoted to an even better position. I was able to buy a nice car and I have a solid home to live in. So even when I complain about these things, I need to remember that these are still good things that I need to be thankful for.

There are many other things I'm thankful for, but those are the top three. What are you thankful for?

Birthdays

This weekend I helped two friends celebrate birthdays.
Friday was pizza and hanging out with friends from high school. That was awesome. It was especially nice because both of the friends who were there are also vegetarians (one long standing, one fairly new) and so there was no bickering about what to get on the pizza, it was supportive I even got a high five or three from the long standing vegetarian. And birthday friend paid, so that helped my budget. Thanks birthday friend!! Also conversation ranged from “explain why men like lesbians so much?” and “totally worth the extra bucks to buy the ribbed” if you know what I mean ;) to Balzac, Lolita, world economics and the phrase coupe d’état in casual conversation. I got home a little after two. And had to get up at seven to pick up the nephew.
After a three hour nap when nephew went home, it was time to get ready for my best friend’s birthday (which is really Tuesday). We went to a nice restaurant, but sticking to vegetarianism was kind of hard. In the end I was satisfied with my choice, so it’s fine. Then games, ice cream cake and plenty of wine at my friend’s grandma’s house. I spend so much time with best friend and her family that I accidentally called her grandma just "grandma" today. Dork! Now it’s two am (again) and I have to get up in the morning because best friend has friends coming from out of town for her birthday tomorrow and I want to play with them.
Did I mention that before all this chaos, Friday was my first day full time at work? A parent yelled at me because her kid got dirty and wet. Because we played outside, which was apparently not a good first day back choice. I’m ready for vacation now.
Oh! And, my birthday is the day we leave on vacation. So we can’t eat where I want, there will be no cake (because it doesn’t travel well), and I have to get up at nine to leave on time. And I can’t do anything with friends who aren’t going with, because the weekend before is a holiday (Fourth of July) and the weekend after we’ll still be on vacation and it seems silly to make everyone get together for my birthday so long before or after, especially since we just did it or will do so again for other reasons (depending on the group). Aaand, I am a whiney loser, so that's sad :(