Photo Challenge!! Hooray for pictures, I have tons of them I think you’ll love, so I’m doing this challenge. But I’m not calling it “30 Days of Photos” because I want to be able to take breaks and blog other things without feeling like I failed.
Day 1: A picture of yourself with 10 facts:

1. I have almost no photos of myself because I’m generally the one taking the pictures.
2. I have dyed my hair a variety of colors since I was about thirteen- my current favorite is black, but for most of that time I’ve picked various shades of red (from strawberry-blonde to dark auburn and everything in between).
3. I’m trying to quit biting my nails, and I haven’t taken a nibble in two weeks.
4. I have always wanted to earn my Ph.D (in history).
5. My favorite holiday is Independence Day- this is because it’s my favorite holiday food, I love spending a holiday with my friends guilt free, fireworks are AWESOME, and my birthday is the next day so I get presents anyway.
6. I prefer wearing contacts but had them taken away by my doctor because I wore them way to much.
7. I love all animals, but for my own pets I prefer cats to dogs because cats are lower maintenance.
8. My hair only dries cute if I put it in a pony tail until it’s dry- this takes approximately five hours, which means I generally have to take my shower at like 6 pm since there’s no way I’ll get up twenty minutes earlier in the morning to do it then.
9. I currently have three loads of laundry waiting to wash, and I never get around to them because my SIL generally has something in the washer.
10. I love the Taste of Chicago (that’s where this picture was taken) in part because my family doesn’t really have any traditions and I like to feel like I’m doing something so many people have done before me.

Challenge

Earlier this week I wrote a post that was a bit dark and depressing. I didn’t post it, because whenever I write those posts I like to sit on them for a few days before sharing with the internet. The gist of the post was that I was feeling like a failure as an adult. Once again I had been subjected to the opinion of someone who doesn’t understand my job. The idea that because I teach preschool, I don’t really teach, makes me crazy. Part of what I originally wrote was…
“In college, I was idealistic. I was convinced that I was going to become this fantastic teacher and I was going to inspire the next generations to pinnacles of success. I would arouse the interest of future history makers with my stories of the history makers of the past. I would never doubt the mark I was leaving on the future, because I would be able to see it in the eyes of my students.
Instead, I teach skills so basic most people don’t even realize they’re learned behaviors. I teach children to use the toilet. I teach them to wash their hands, a skill most of them won’t even hold onto anyway, if restaurant behavior means anything. I teach them not to pick their noses, to use silverware instead of their hands at the table, when to yell and when to speak gently.”
Then I rambled morosely for several paragraphs before ending with a challenge to myself. “I just wrote an assessment of a three year-old I could have written about myself, ‘She knows her strengths, but avoids activities that challenge or will allow for growth’. I need to find a way to challenge myself.” All I really needed out of that post was the final line. I need to find a way to challenge myself.

Can We Slow This Ride Down A Little?

Because my weekends are goingby in a whirlwind of crazy and have been for weeks, and will continue to do so for months to come. Yesterday for instance I had brunch with the Olsons (my favorite family), drove to Aurora for a stampin' party with Sarah (hosted by another high school friend), and worked on stuff for Jamie's wedding shower.
Today, my mom and I took Nick, Nataly, and Mandy to the zoo for Nick's second birthday. Wait, just in case you didn't catch that, let me say it again- NICK'S SECOND BIRTHDAY. Like, seriously? Because I'm pretty sure it's been about six months since I graduated from AU and he was two weeks old when that happened, so...somebody screwed up their math, and for once I don't think it was me! But we had a lot of fun at the zoo. We got to see the rhinos (Nick was scared of them), the okapi (Nick loved her), the bison, the lions (they were awake, which is rare), and a bunch of other things. Then I spend $37 on hot dogs for lunch for five people! Also, when we were looking at the camels, the tram went by and the guide said "Over here on the right we have Christina, a breeding female [camel]." I was standing on the right between the tram and the camels. Awesome. We also went to the farm zoo (which we'd never done before) and the kids and I petted some goats. Then Nataly said "I want to go back to the grown up zoo" so we left. I would show you pictures, but when I'm done with the song thing, I'm going to do a picture challenge, so you'll have to wait.
30 Days of Song (Days 17 & 18)
Umm...did I mention how busy I was this weekend? So I didn't post the yesterday. Sorry.
Day 17. A song I hear on the radio alot- I actually don't listen to the radio very much, because my commute is litteraly four blocks, and if I'm going anywhere else, I listen to my mp3 player, but I do feel I've heard Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" quite a bit lately, so I guess that's my answer.

Day 18. A song I wish I heard on the radio- Again, I don't listen to the radio much, but one song that I really enjoy that I wish I did hear on teh radio is Katy Perry's "One of the Boys".

Alphabet Tag

Attached or single? Attached. To my cat.
Best friend? Kristin.
Cake or Pie? Ummm…why is this a question. Cake AND Pie. Duh.
Day of Choice? Thursday
Essential Item? My own pillow- I have to take it with me whenever I’m sleeping away from home, even at a nice hotel with big fluffy pillows with handy labels “soft” and “firm”
Favorite color? Blue. And green. And yellow. And purple.
Gummy bears or worms? Worms- I like to jiggle them and bite off their heads, but then since they’re worms, pretend they’re still alive and have conversations like “Ha! You almost got me, but I am awesome, and I LIVE!!” and then I bite off their other head and laugh. I am troubled.
Hometown? Elgin.
Indulgence? Chocolate. And fresh fruit. I would pay a lot of money for fresh fruit, especially in like March when all I’ve seen for months in the produce department is apples and oranges and bananas. This is why I bought 10 kiwiw, 7 mangoes, a box of strawberries, and a pint of blueberries last week. And then ate them all in one day.
January or July? July, it’s my birthday and the BEST holiday EVER (Fourth of July, not by birthday)
Kids? No thanks. I have enough. (Actually I stole that answer from another blogger, but I’m leaving it, because while I have none of my own- I do have enough kids, and I don’t really want anymore.) (All of my kids are students. I have no actual kids.)
Life isn't complete.... until you’ve scratched some things off the ole bucket list (see mine on the page labeled “life list” because why make a list about what you want to do with life, about death).
Marriage Date? September 27, 2025.
Number of Brothers and Sisters? One brother. One sister-in-law whom I like better than the brother.
Oranges or Apples? I think I already established my fruit preferences.
Phobias? Running out of good quality literature.
Quote? We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. (If you don’t know what that’s from- I quit.)
Reasons to Smile? Life is awesome, even when it’s not.
Season of Choice? Ms. Dash Table Blend. LOVE IT! Also, fresh basil or chives in the summer.
Tag Seven People? No.
Unknown Fact? I’m secretly shy. That isn’t so much of an unknown fact, as I keep trying to tell people, but no one believes me, so it’s an “unbelieved fact”.
Vegetable? As of this second- grilled zucchini with onions, salt and pepper.
Worst habits? Biting my nails, and an inability to stop thinking about food.
XRay or Ultrasound? Never had either actually. I had my very first ever antibiotic in the fall of 2009 (when I was 27), although I think I need some more right now (minor infection of the gum/tooth)
Your favorite food? I pretty much like everything actually. I especially like new foods, or exotic foods.
Zodiac sign? I used to be a cancer. I don’t know what I am since they changed them, nor do I care.

Lazy Hazy Days

Holy WOW that was a huge weekend! Friday night I went to dinner and to see Kristin’s new play with about a dozen bookclub friends (!). So there we are at the restaurant talking and laughing, and all of a sudden someone asks the time and we realize we have fifteen minutes to pay for dinner, get to the theatre and get seated, and we hadn’t even bought our tickets yet! So I leave right away with a few people who can’t walk to the theatre, so we can get there ASAP and buy tickets while everyone else takes care of the bill and walks over (the theatre is so close to the restaurant that you can save time by walking). I was there with a few minutes to spare, but the theatre people literally waited the show like three minutes for the rest of our group (it’s community theatre, so they’re nice like that). Of course the show was FANTASTIC, but then a few of us go out afterwards and I didn’t get home until like 2:15. Obviously, I slept in on Saturday. But that was a bad move, because then I had to clean my room. Like, everything had to be dusted and swept and such because I was getting new furniture today and since I had to move stuff anyway, I might as well. That took forever, because I live in an unfinished basement, so everything gets cobwebby and gross and I’m not really the most fastidious of cleaners normally. Then in the middle of getting that done, I decide to go out to dinner with Kristin’s gram who lives a few doors down, so then I didn’t finish cleaning until FOUR AM! So, you’d think I was going to sleep in on Sunday too, but no. I had to be at the U-HAUL place at ten, which my body thought was nine (stupid daylight’s savings!) so I could be at my coworker’s at eleven. New furniture loaded into the van I drove it home, where Kristin’s brothers helped me take everything downstairs and bring up the old stuff. Then I was in a hurry to return the truck so I could get my room all set up and pretty, and I forgot to take my coat. Where I had put my car keys. Which I needed to get my car after I dropped off the U-HAUL. Of course I didn’t realize I didn’t have my keys until AFTER I had dropped the U-HAUL keys in the drop box. Fortunately my SIL has a key to my house, so she grabbed my car keys and brought them to me, but that took like an hour. So now it was 2:00 in the afternoon, I had gotten up early with almost no sleep, and hauled furniture around all day, and I still hadn’t had anything to eat! I got a cup of soup at Target, stopped at the hardware store to get some things to arrange my room and went home. Where I got the mirror attached to the dresser and the bed put together (no sheet or blanket or anything) and the “walls” rearranged where they need to be for me to have privacy. And promptly fell asleep on my new bed, even though I hadn’t put sheets or pillows or anything on it yet! And I thought I would need/want the luxury of new pillows, clean sheets and blankets, and freshly laundered bed curtain in order to sleep tonight.

Painted Wine Glasses

Kristin and I are throwing Jamie's bridal shower in June. Despite the fact that a few people HATE our plan, we're it in a local restaurant and asking people to buy their own lunch, because we are both pre-school teachers and thus have very little money to spend. Our invitations are made (and awesome), and so we've moved on to making our favors. We decided we wanted something nice since we're asking people to pay for their own food, so we decided to fill wine glasses with pink and silver Dove hearts. We also decided to decorate the wine glasses, to give them a little pizzaz. We thought what we bought to do the glass was glaze, so we thought it would be fairly thin and we would just splatter paint them and call it a day. The paint turned out to be fairly thick, so we actually painted each of 25 wine glasses today. And they turned out COOL!
The enamel we used is Folkart Enamels in metallic silver, engine red, and wicker white which we bought at Hobby Lobby. We had to make our own pink which we did by combining one jar of red with two jars of white. This took longer than we had anticipated and involved some trial and error. What we eventually decided was that it wasn't really worth putting the enamel back in the jar after we mixed it. Also, we achieved peppermint pink after about a 1/2 jar of red and couldn't get it much darker even when we added another 1/2 jar of paint.
We flipped the glasses upside down and painted them with fairly small paint brushes (liner, 1 and 2 point brushes mostly). Once they were all painted, we let them set for about an hour, and then started baking them to make the enamel set. To prevent breakage you put them in a cold oven and then turn it to 350 degrees. Once the oven achieves temp. bake for another 30 minutes, then turn off the heat and allow the oven to cool before removing the glasses.
Overall, I think the enamel was really easy to use, and worked out if not exactly how we thought, exactly how we wanted. What do you think?

An Epiphany

Wednesday evening I got to see Sarah and Jeff. I was so glad to be able to hang out with them and to see them laugh. They are very frank about their pain. Naomi IS their daughter, and they feel just as any parent would after losing a child. They are no longer hoping to become parents, they ARE parents. They are grieving parents who have lost their only child, but they are parents. It’s all gut-wrenching and leaves me not really sure what to say to them. I want to say I’m sorry, but when people said that to me when my dad died, it just made me mad. I want to act normal, but I know it’s hard for Sarah when people seem to be continuing their lives. I want to give hugs and try to make them feel better, but Sarah has blogged about how that just makes her more sad when people want to hug and comfort her. I only held that little girl for a few hours in Target, but she is so clearly a special girl, and I so very much wanted to see her grow up and become a special woman. Just holding her while she slept gave me a new perspective on my life and my drama and I was crushed when I learned what happened. I literally had my laptop on and Sarah’s blog up for the entire time, from when I learned this might happen until she was gone, grieving for my friends, for that little girl who may not get to know the two FANTASTIC parents she was supposed to have, praying and asking my Christian friends to pray. I hope there’s someone in the birth parents life, who is reminding them right now, of all the reasons why they gave Naomi up originally.
Last night I went to the wake for my SIL’s grandmother. There was some minor drama about whether I should go or not, because Mandy’s sister and I have some unresolved drama of our own. Years ago, she and I were best friends. I won’t go into everything that went down that resulting in our eventual separation, but suffice it to say I hadn’t even seen her in two plus years, and hadn’t really talked to her in at least five. Once, we were so close we joked that we would each be like aunt’s to the other’s kids. Now I saw her seven month old son for the first time last night, and I hadn’t seen her two year old daughter since she was just a few months old. You know, there was a time when my vision of my future was very clear. I would finish college, become a high school teacher, and at some appropriate point (preferably around my 25th birthday) I would marry a delightful man who loved history, then we would have a boatload of kids and settle down to living life. My future is no longer as “clear” as I once thought it was, but I’m glad. Back when I knew where I wanted to go, life was about the destination, getting from point A to point B with no concern for how I got there. Now, life is about the journey. I stop along the way to point B to pick wildflowers, I meander down unexplored paths to see if I really want to go to point B. And somewhere along the way, point B changed from “marriage and kids” to something else. I don’t know where I’m headed, I don’t know what I want. I’m not living the traditional life, but I’m living the life that makes me happy. Standing in the funeral home last night the distinction between who I was then, and who I am now was made remarkably clear to me. The person I was then wouldn’t have known Naomi, because that person let other people decide who should be her friends. Someone in my life got mad at Sarah for something stupid, and I didn’t talk to Sarah for years because of it. In the past I’ve talked to Sarah about how high school was rough for me, because some of the people we knew made fun of me, and that I don’t really want to reconnect with those girls. And I think that Sarah has taken some blame for that, which I never meant for her to do. I made the same mistakes, I just didn’t recognize them until this convergence of events. I’ve let Sarah take the blame for not standing up for me when her friends made fun of me, or whatever, but I didn’t stand up for her either. I don’t want to make that same mistake again. I can’t stand up for Sarah and Jeff to the people who hurt them, but I can stand by them and I can hope that Sarah can forgive me for being as much a punk as she ever was, maybe more.

Updates

Mandy's grandmother passed away today.
I have spent most of this evening feeling useless. A good friend is wounded in her very soul and there is nothing I can do for her. I can offer no comfort, there is nothing I can say or do to help.
I can't bring GiGi back. I can't convince the birth family to give Sarah back her daughter. I can only offer the smallest comfort; a hug, a reassuring word, a collection of pictures...
Neither loss is my own of course. I had no real connection to Naomi. Yet before she was a week old, she made me really think about my own life, the places I want to go, the things I want to accomplish. She made me reassess my emotional maturity, and emotional decisions I've been making for twenty years. I came home from my one evening out with her and wrote her a letter just like I write for Nick and Naty, she affected me as much as either one of them did.
I feel so bad for Sarah right now. I don't know what to do, or how to help. I just hope there's something someone can do, someway to help Sarah and Jeff heal from this.

Naomi and GiGi

I have decided against posting my pics of Naomi as a way to respect her privacy. Her birth family has decided they want to raise her themselves and thus are picking her up from Sarah and her husband tomorrow morning.
On top of this situation, I have spent the last several days watching my niece and nephew while my SIL spends her time at the hospital. GiGi is what Nick and Naty call Mandy's grandmother, and she is very sick. Several times this weekend, Mandy has been told that GiGi probably won't make it another few hours.
In short, this has been a terrible weekend.

I Love You?

Honestly? This is going to be a long post, and it’s not going to end with adorable pics of Naomi. However, it is a little bit about Naomi, so here goes.
Yesterday evening, I met Naomi. She is the sweetest, tiniest little thing, and I love her. Which I told her at some length. But that’s actually the issue. She wasn’t even a week old when I met her for the very first time, and I had no trouble telling her I love her. I say it easily to my niece, my nephew, even my cat. But I rarely, if ever say it to adults. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of adults whom I love (or who I loved at one point), but with the exception of my mom, I never say it. I loved my friend Sondi and since she died I’ve wondered frequently if she knew it. After her funeral I promised myself I would make sure that I wouldn’t have to wonder if others know it, that I would learn to say “I love you”. But, I didn’t. I love my best friend. I love her parents. I love some of my other friends. There’s obviously no real reason for me to love Naomi. Honestly, there’s not really any reason for me to love Nataly or Nick, I just do. And I did from before I even laid eyes on them. So, why am I so willing to tell them, but not my friends?
Although I’ve never experienced “eros” love, that romantic love that is so often described as being in love, that’s more because I’ve actively avoided such a thing. But philia love (friendship) and storge love (familial) are both emotions I’m extremely familiar with. I wish the English language had those more precise words (like the Greek ones I’ve used). Actually, it reminds of something I thought about when I read The Giver. At one point Jonas asks his parents if they love him, and they reprimand him for imprecise use of language, that they are proud of him and they take pleasure in him, but that the word love has no meaning. I think, in English, in our culture, that’s actually true. Although people are shocked or outraged when Jonas’ parents say it, what does the word love really mean? People “love” things- new technology, furniture, houses, etc; ideas, the internet, TV shows, etc; activities like going for walks, swimming, etc. But don’t all of those uses cheapen the word? Is the enjoyment that you take in a long swim on a hot day really the same as the feelings you have for your lover, your sister, or your best friend? And why is it that in our culture we assume that if one adult tells another un-related adult “I love you” that they mean it in the eros form? It’s why I wrote the version of “Beauty and the Beast” I’m working on. It’s not done yet, but if you don’t mind the spoiler, Prince William is going to love (philia or storge) Johnny, there’s nothing romantic or eros about it, and the curse (in the original) never says it has to be. Why does our culture so devalue these other forms of love, while elevating eros? Especially considering that until fairly recently (two-three hundred years ago) eros love was the devalued and philia was the most valuable. It was only with the rise of the “love-match” marriage in the 1800s that philia love fell to the wayside. Why can’t we have both?
Tomorrow I promise to post my pics of Naomi. Feel free to come back for that!

Fun With Plumbing

Earlier this week I was awakened at the unbearable hour of 4:30 after only making it to bed at about 2:30. What could possible wake someone at 4:30, you might ask. After all it the hour from 4-5 that is the one hour that both morning people and night owls are generally asleep, who could possibly be awake to wake you up? And, dear reader, I would laugh at you for thinking it might be a person. Indeed, no, it was my sump pump. See I live about 20 feet from the blasted thing, and the “wall” between me and it is really just a series of cabinets, open at the top, and with a hole for a “door”. It is, therefore, not exactly sound deadening, and the sump pump was making the loudest grinding noise EVER. My basement leaks with uncomfortable regularity, so I was afraid to unplug it as the weather has been warming and we just had a fairly major blizzard. Also, it was 4:30AM, I wasn’t exactly thinking straight. I went back to bed and put a pillow over my head, trying to get some sleep before I had to go to work in the morning. At 7:10 my mom came downstairs and unplugged it, and I finally fell back asleep (for the less than an hour before my alarm went off anyway). My mom was going to rinse it out, and hope for the best (this has worked in the past, we get a lot of silt that clogs up the sump pump). That was five days ago. She finally rinsed it out today, but alas, nothing happened. Actually, something did happen, the ground fault just turned off. So we headed out to Home Depot to buy a new one, and also to see my SIL. An hour and a half later, our new sump pump is installed and it’s super quiet. Except it might not work. See, it runs, it’s clearly TRYING to work, but the bit of water remaining in the nasty basement hole merely appears to be stirring, not sucked up into the pipe and sent away from the house. One of three things is happening (we hope). Either there is ice stuck in the piping which will need to be removed, but which we can fix; or there is not enough water in the hole for the sump pump to suck anything up, but there is enough for it to think it should work, which we can fix; or the darned thing is not installed correctly/broken, which since my mom has installed a new sump pump every year since my dad died, I think means it’s broken. Fudge!
Also, in case you read my blog, but not Sarah’s, she has a shiny new baby girl named Naomi, whom I have not yet met in person, but looks adorable in pictures. You should probably go check those out on her blog.

Eye Exam Time!

I have to get new glasses. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my prescription, but my lenses are getting scratched up. Also, I want contacts back. I had to stop wearing them a few years ago because I wore them to long (18-20 hours a day) and my blood vessels were growing into my pupils which can cause blindness. I was told to give my eyes a rest for two years and then I could have them back, but to get glasses as well and not wear the contacts so much. Anyway, as you may recall, I’m going to be in a wedding in a few months and I want contacts before that. So today I did a little research on how much an eye exam (for glasses and contacts), a pair of glasses, and a set of contacts should cost me. I made an appointment and I kind of love eye exams and new glasses, so I’m pretty excited. The problem? I can’t actually see my face if I take off my glasses, which means I’m fairly useless at picking out my own glasses! My mom is even worse than I am. Last time I had to get glasses I took her and I explained I wanted a pair of brown or gold and a pair of black or silver (two pair for $99). I wound up with gold ones I can’t wear because they’re just a little too small for my face and I can see the shiny bits in my peripheral vision thus giving myself a headache, and a red pair that I have worn every day for a year and half.

King's Speech and Black Swan

Do you suppose King Edward VIII and King George VI (also know as David and Bertie in King’s Speech) could feel the weight of history pressing on them? They are poised on the edge of history, but in the time the movie chronicles, did they know how close to the brink they? Did Edward VIII know what he was walking away from when he abdicated? Could George VI sense the weight of the mantle that he was about to take around his own shoulders? These are the questions that raced through my mind as I settled in to watch The King’s Speech. Obviously the movie cannot answer them for me, but I felt the actors had asked themselves the same questions. This is how good the acting is- at no point did I think of Colin Firth (who plays Prince Albert/George VI) as Mr. Darcy, my favorite role he’s acted.
On the other end of the movie spectrum, we have Black Swan. Honestly, it’s probably the better movie, but I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much because it is intensely disturbing. Nina (the main character) lives with her mother in a thirteen-year old’s bedroom, complete with pink bedding and stuffed animals lined up on the window sill. She is fragile and innocent, perfect to dance the part of the white swan in Swan Lake. She is also cast as the Black Swan, who seduces the White Swan’s one chance for true love. We watch as Nina changes, descending into madness as the part of the Black Swan takes over. It was fantastic, but hard to watch.
I watched both films as part of my crusade to have seen the movies nominated for Oscars this year. Having seen Black Swan, I can tell you it was robbed, and the Oscars haven’t even aired yet. There is simply no way it shouldn’t have won for costume design (which I know isn’t a big deal, but hear me out) and it wasn’t even nominated. The costuming of the ballet was perfect, and the costuming of rehearsal? Nina starts rehearsing in white but as madness slowly warps her, she begins dressing in subtle shades of grey. It was beautifully symbolic and subtle and should have won the Oscar.

The Sweetest Stories

You know I don’t particularly want one of my own, but I do like to collect proposal stories. The ways in which men, that wonderful gender not known for the ability to express themselves, choose to express love fascinates me. Some of course are better than others. For instance take my little brother. He found out my SIL was pregnant and pretty much said “So we should get married, huh?” It’s not really a great story. But then there are the good ones…

• A young man whose girlfriend’s friend told him his girlfriend’s “dream” proposal (it involved a long walk in Chicago and a visit to a small church garden). So he took her for that walk, but it was raining and she had a cold and she just wanted to go home. Then they got to the church garden and as they stood at the banister he told her loved (for the first time) and proposed.
• A friend who proposed to his girlfriend on HIS birthday, because she was all the gift he could ever want.
• A young man who wrote a poem, proposing to his girlfriend, split it into stanzas and wrote a clue to the next stanza on the back of each piece, and then hid them all savenger hunt style, with the last clue leading to him, on one knee, ring in hand.
• A young man who slipped the ring on his girlfriend’s hand during the fireworks and waited for her to notice so he could say it. Only to realize she hadn’t noticed at all because the fireworks completely distracted her.
• A friend who went on his evening constitutional with his girlfriend, a walk they had taken many times before, only to fake a loose shoelace in front of a bench. She sat down to wait for him, he knelt to tie his shoe and proposed instead.

I like these stories. You don’t need a lot of details. You don’t need to know what the people in the stories wore, or the exact words that were exchanged. All you need to know, is that here is a couple of people so in love that they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives together. Maybe it’s because I can’t even imagine loving someone THAT much, that I don’t feel any need to ever have my own story, but it’s nice to know that people do still love each other. Every single one of the marriages that came about from those proposal stories has lasted to this day. With two exceptions- the first one is the story of a dear friend of mine who passed away a few years ago, married to the man who loved her enough to make her take a long, rainy walk when she had a cold, and the last one, the story of my friends who are getting married this summer. That last story, by the way, was shared with me not by my friend the bride-to-be, but by her husband-to-be as he and I walked by that very bench.
If you read this, and you have a story to share, I’d love it if you left your proposal story in my comments for my “collection”.

No Christmas Spirit

I had an entry all written to post tonight when I got home. I wrote it during nap at work, but I had to wake the ids up before I could post it. It’s all about how perception and how I look at myself. I’m sure I’ll post in a few days when I’m nice and calm and rational again. But for now, I’m going to write this one…
I hate Christmas. I never used to. I’m one of those people who just barely gets through Thanksgiving anticipating Christmas. I usually shop on Black Friday. I put my tree up before the weekend is over. This year, like many others, I had presents wrapped and under the tree before Monday. I’m not sure what went wrong this year.
I could say it started Friday. I was a little down because I couldn’t go Black Friday shopping since I was completely broke (should have waited to buy a car until after the holidays!). But, instead I had Nataly over. Mandy and I made plans weeks ago for me to have special Aunt Tina and Naty only time while she was at work and Steve was supposed to have the kids. That day was the first day that I snapped this holiday season. First Steve called me to tell me Naty didn’t want to come with me, but when I talked to her she said she was excited to have our special time. I went to get her and Steve said, “It’s freezing here. Nick and I are coming with you.” I told him no because then Naty and I don’t have our alone time. He yelled a bit more and I told him he could come if he was going to entertain Nick and keep him away from Naty and I. Then he got mad at me and said if I was going to have an attitude about it. When I got her to my house, we started pulling out my special ornaments, the ones that mean something to me. Nataly asked about them and we talked. I pulled out the one that says “Baby’s First Christmas, 1982” and asked her who she thought had their first Christmas in 1982. She thought for a second before very proudly claiming “Jesus!”. Once the tree was up, we watched Christmas movies for awhile (Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and Frosty the Snowman). Then we wrapped the presents that I had already bought before her mom picked her up. Overall, it was a good day. Hopefully that’s how Nataly will remember it, if she remembers it at all.







After work I went grocery shopping. While I was shopping I picked up (and put back) Christmas presents for the kids. I also had to buy new Advent candles because three of mine wouldn’t light today. I spent literally hours looking for purple and pink candles and never found them. Instead I bought a five candle candelabra with the intention of tying ribbon in the appropriate places. When I got home I started working on it, but then I found it.
Neelix (the dog) has been plucking ornaments off the tree since I put it up. What I found was the first one he had destroyed. It had been made for me by a now deceased friend out of terra cotta balls and a mini planter- it was a snowman that meant a lot to me. Now it’s in the garbage. I FLIPPED out and started screaming at the dog. I wound up angrily putting all of my Christmas decorations away so nothing else could get destroyed. Mom had previously pulled all the hangers off a bunch of cheap ball ornaments I had for very basic decorations because Nick tried to eat them and she had promised to fix them for me. Instead they had sat there for three days, in the place she puts stuff she wants me to put away. I asked her if she was going to fix them or if I should throw them away and she got mad at me and told me to throw them away if I was going to have an attitude. So I did. Then I put away all my ornaments and brewed a pot of tea to relax myself.
I feel better now that I’ve written all of this, but I have literally no Christmas spirit left. It’s all drained away from me in a blur of rage and sorrow.

What I'm Thankful For This Year

It is officially Thanksgiving. Also, I just got back from a late dinner with a friend from high school during which we really talked about some serious topics, which I will go into a bit later. The two things combined have really made me reflect on my life and now I want to write about the things I’m most thankful for.

1. I'm thankful that we can change, who we are is never set in stone. Pretty much the thing I’m most thankful for is that I am not the same person I was ten years ago, or even five.
   Ten years ago I graduated high school. Now, I can look back, and I can remember some good times. However, in general I was miserable. I pretty much had one friend and she abandoned me whenever she had a boyfriend. People made fun of me and teased me for being a lesbian (which I am not). I didn’t fit in with choir (where I sang anywhere from soprano to tenor, but nothing very well). I didn’t fit in with the theatre kids because I worked backstage where it was my JOB to blend in and go unnoticed. I didn’t fit in with any of the writing cliques because while I took the classes I was too shy to let others read my writing. I sucked at math and science but cared about my grades so I didn’t fit in with either the smart kids or the kids who didn’t care about grades. I was socially inept and generally uncomfortable with who I was.
   Today while I can still see some my old behaviors, I am much more confident in who I am. Part of the trouble in high school was how clear it was that I had a crush on a certain boy. I wasn’t very subtle in how I expressed myself. He was friends with a girl I sometimes talked to, and I would go hang out at her lunch table just so I could check him out and pretty much ignore the girl was pretending to be talking to. I made my friend pose for pics in front of him and cut her out so I could get a pic of him. It was ridiculous. I still can’t keep a secret (especially at Christmas, I get to excited about the “perfect gift” I’ve bought and can’t resist dropping unsubtle hints), but at least I can be a little more subtle about crushes.
   Five years ago my best friend (the same one from high school) admitted to me that she basically used me as a scapegoat, that I was someone to yell at anytime she was angry at someone else. And instead of standing up for myself I let her get away with it because I was still so shy I didn’t really have any other friends. Eventually I grew a spine and wouldn’t let her treat me like that anymore. That combined with some other stuff was the last straw for her and we had it out weeks before her wedding and haven’t spoken since.
   Today I still don’t make friends easily, but I do have a small group of friends that I can be myself around. None of them would even consider scapegoating another adult and I generally wouldn’t let anyone treat me like that anymore.
   I hope that I will continue to grow and become more the person I want to be and I’m thankful that I have that chance.
2. I’m also thankful that I have good friends. My family isn’t close and I’m truly thankful that I have a wide support system of people who are like family to me. My best friend’s family welcomes me with open arms at most holidays (actually…I think at all holidays). Without my friends I wouldn’t be the person that I am today and I like who I am. Without the group of friends I now surround myself with, I would never have grown that spine I mentioned before. I would still be the shy, awkward girl with no opinion instead of a fairly outspoken woman who knows what I want and don’t apologize when it’s not what others expect.
3. I’m thankful for the opportunities that I’ve had. I was able to walk away from a good job and study full time for an entire year, which very few adults are able to do, and as a result I graduated college. I know that while I had to work hard for that, without my father I would never have had that opportunity. Even in this economy I still have a good job, and not just any job I have a job I love and was just promoted to an even better position. I was able to buy a nice car and I have a solid home to live in. So even when I complain about these things, I need to remember that these are still good things that I need to be thankful for.

There are many other things I'm thankful for, but those are the top three. What are you thankful for?

This week I...

This week, I…
…wanted to call in sick to work almost every day, but decided not to because I don’t get sick pay until I’ve been full time for a consecutive year. Which means that since I wasn’t full time from the September 3 to September 27 I have to wait until September, even though I was full time from June 4 to September 3.
…STILL did not buy a car. But only because I was waiting to hear about the car I really wanted. Which I finally did, and I might be buying that car on Monday. Otherwise I’ll buy a different car on Tuesday. Either way, I guess we know what I’ll be blogging about early next week!
…had to blow off my best friend for a trip to the zoo (and Christmas shopping), a party with high school friends, and a work party so I could babysit for my SIL while my brother slept (he works nights). Then when I got there, he went out.
…informed my SIL that I will be unavailable for ANY babysitting the weekend of Thanksgiving, most of January, and from May 30 through July 6. This is only partly related to the above item, and partly to things like my friend’s wedding.
…argued in favor of a guy taking a child bride. To be fair, it was in an historical novel in which a girl was married to her husband when she was twelve, but in a time (1940s) and place (rural India) where that was the norm.
Next week I’m looking forward to hanging out with my friend Sarah and reading my next book club book which is about Cholera and death-woo-hoo but at least no children will be getting married!

Car shopping

First some backstory…
When my dad died, he and I were planning on buying me a car when I got back from a school trip to Turkey. I was going to be going off to school and I needed a car. Dad and I agreed that he would take me car shopping, we would buy something not terribly expensive and the loan would go under my name, but my dad would make the payments (to help build my credit, it was going to be one more way my dad helped me be more independent). Instead he died and I missed the trip and inherited his car. Which means I reached 28 without EVER buying a car.
My check engine light is on, and my plates expire on Sunday night. Perhaps this doesn’t seem connected, until I tell you I live in a county (not a state, just a county) that requires that I pass an emissions test to renew my plates. However, with the check engine light on, I won’t pass emissions. I COULD fix the $1,000 part (it’s the sensor that tells the light everything is fine) and continue dealing with the broken window, and the body damage that makes me want to hit someone, etc. BTW, my dad had the part fixed. Four times. In two years.
I’m not fixing the part.
Instead, I wound up (partially through my own stupidity true) with two weeks in which to buy a new car. With a crap credit rating and no money to put down. Car shopping is…fun? Terrible? I’m not even sure.
I did internet research, decided what I could afford, etc. My first day out (first dealer, first car I looked at) I fell in love. It was everything I wanted in a car. A 2006 blue Ford Focus hatchback with low miles, good mileage and a price tag that didn’t kill me. The dealer was nice to me and explained things for me since I don’t know much about cars. BUT I had been told not to just buy the first car. Try a few things out, they said. So I walked away after telling the dealer I would probably be back later.
The next day my mom and I went to a few other dealers, where I found out what people mean when they say car shopping sucks. First up…Hyundai. The salesman only talked to mom, even after we made sure he knew I was buying a car, mom had just bought a new one, nad she wasn’t even co-signing my loan. Like to the point that she was standing behind him, I asked a question and he turned around and answered her. We left. Next…Nissan. They ignored us for twenty minutes, which I wouldn’t have minded except none of their cars had prices. Finally a man came out who at least talked to me. But he had a very clear idea of what he was going to sell me, before he even talked to me. He ignored me when I told him the price point I was looking at, didn’t listen to anything I wanted in a car and tried to force something I hated on me. Then, when I told him why I was there (I wanted to see a used Versa) he didn’t tell me what he was showing me and tried to con me into a brand new car. Also, after I saw it, I thought the Versa was bigger than I wanted, and he was rude about that. Finally I told him I wasn’t buying a new car and he goes “Then I don’t think I can help.” To which I replied “Okay, thanks for your time.” I got ready to leave but mom was off changing Nick’s diaper, so I had to wait for them, and he goes “Well…let me talk to my manager.” As soon as Mom came back we left, while he was still talking to his manager, because he was rude and I didn’t want to give him my money.
So, I called the original Ford dealership and told them I wanted the Focus and my SIL was going to take it to the mechanic for my on Monday (this was Thursday). Which they said was fine, but then called me twice more to ask my intentions. I finally told them on Saturday “My SIL will take it to the mechanic on Monday at one, if the mechanic gives me the go ahead, I will come buy it after work, I’ll be there around 5:45.” Monday afternoon my SIL texts me, they sold my car. Then they tried to get her to take something else to the mechanic without me there to say if I liked it. Then they told me that I should come look and that if I found something I liked, they could set it aside until Monday when it could go to the mechanic. Why didn’t they do that with the car I told them I wanted!!!
Today I went to a different Ford dealer to look at the Fiesta (so pretty) even though it only comes in 2011. I can’t have that, but if all goes the way we discussed Monday night I’m picking up a 2011 Ford Focus sedan in electric blue!

Shoe Shopping

Next weekend I’m taking Niece to see a play for her fourth birthday. I’m delighted at the opportunity to share one of my favorite things with her. For me, however, part of going to the theater is getting all dressed up. So for her birthday present I bought her a cute little sweater dress and some tights. Then I took her shoe shopping since I owed my SIL in some money anyway, we decided I would buy her dress shoes and we’d call it even. It turns out that buying adorable things WITH a little girl is even more fun than just buying them FOR her.
First, she was extremely pleased with herself when she needed size twelve shoes. If you’re unfamiliar with children’s shoes, that means she graduated from the toddler shoes to the girl’s shoes. Which also meant she had much prettier options. She tried on every brown dress shoes Target had, prancing around in each pair. I kept trying to get her to pick a favorite pair but she kept telling me it was whatever pair she was wearing. I asked her why that was and she said “Because you put them on me Aunt Tina” and continued dancing around the aisle. This would have been slightly more useful if I hadn’t put every pair on her, but it was cute nonetheless. She eventually decided on this adorable pair of slouchy western style boots with a tiny baby heel. When my SIL in saw them she just raised an eyebrow and asked me if Niece could walk in them. I told her Niece could dance in them, so I thought she’d be fine. Hopefully I’m right or I’ll never get to buy her shoes again, and it was so much fun. I’ve always loved shoe shopping, but this was extra special :)

Niece's new boots

Cuteness!

I talk to my SIL almost every day. The other day she called to talk while she was outside of her apartment. After we had talked for awhile we said goodnight and she went upstairs. A little later, my phone rang again, and it was my SILs number again. I was a little confused because she doesn’t usually call back after we’ve said goodnight. I answered my phone to hear my niece’s voice
“Aunt Tina! I got it right!” she said to me. Still puzzled, because if she wants to talk to me her mom usually calls me and lets me know and then gives her the phone, I spoke to my niece for a few minutes asking her how her day was, etc. Finally, I asked her why she called, and she goes “I love you Aunt Tina.” So of course I liked hearing that. After she hung up her mom called me back again later. Apparently Niece had stolen her mom’s phone, gone into contacts, and picked my number (there’s a picture next to my name) and called me, all without her mother’s knowledge. When her mom asked her why she said that she wanted to talk to Aunt Tina and Mommy was busy.

Today when I watched Niece and Nephew, we were going to pick up a movie and pizza (it was a special night) and I heard Niece tell Nephew this story…
“Jesus was crazy. He dieded on the cross. Did you know that people dieded on crosses? Auntie M wears a cross on her neck, but she won’t die on it. Aunt Tina wears a cross on her thumb and it scratches, but it’s not big enough to die on, so it’s okay. Alternatively she could take it off like when she works.”
I’m not sure where she got that Jesus was crazy, but her Aunt M does wear a cross necklace. I have a thumb ring with a cross on it, but I haven’t worn mine in a long time, I’m not even sure how she knew I had it. I taught her the word alternatively, and she says it much better than conservative (it came out convervative), and I think she must even know what it means, because she used it correctly. I tell this story to remind myself, even though she’s only three-she is paying attention. She might not always get the details right, but she is paying attention!

My boss told one of my coworkers that she thinks I’m doing a great job in my new position. Which is good because several of my coworkers had told me that they thought I would hate it, and not know what to do. One gave me a month before I begged for my old job back!
My class is learning colors, numbers, and shapes in English and in Spanish. You should hear their little accents when they say some of the words. “Naranja” (orange) is especially funny with their little lisps imitating my accent!