Brookfield Zoo RunRun

I'm so excited that I'm going to do the Brookfield Zoo RunRun again this year!  Last year it was the first 5k I had ever done, this year it will be the third time I'm doing such a thing, and I'm hoping to beat my time from last year's.  I'm also hoping to beat my fundraising from last year.  I raised $40 for the CZS Conservation Fund last year, and this year my goal is to raise $100. 
The reason I think this is a worthwhile cause, can best told as a story about something that happened the first year I was a member at Brookfield Zoo.  One day, as I wandered through the Habitat Africa Forest, I noticed this beautiful animal standing in her habitat. The okapi is a graceful member of the giraffe family, who looks like a cross between a zebra and a gazelle.

The signage was very clear that she is a shy animal, in fact so rarely seen that she is a symbol of cryptozoology (the search for animals whose existence had not been proven). I stood watching her for several minutes while she just stared at me. I whispered how beautiful she was and talked to her for several minutes, and slowly she walked up to the edge of her habitat and began rubbing on her cage as if she wanted me to pet her. Obviously I could not, in fact, pet her, but at that exact moment I fell in love.  Sadly, the okapi is on the endangered animal list.
From when I first read that she was endangered by habitat destruction, I knew I wanted to do something to help these beautiful animals thrive in the wild.  They, like most zoo animals, aren't meant to be confined to the small areas that zoos are forced to accomadate them in.  One of the interesting things about the okapi is how they protect their young.  The mother actually spends very little time with her young as she hides her infant and then leaves it so that predators are more likely to follow her than to find her young.  But in order for her to behave as she does in the wild, she needs a large space so she isn't to close to her infant. 
For a long time I didn't really know what I could do to help with conservation.  I didn't know that the Chicago Zoological Society had a conservation fund.  I read about the Zoo RunRun in my membership magazine several months later.  It probably wouldn't have stuck in my head as something I could do, except that by then I was walking on a regular basis with my friend Leah as part of my weight loss efforts.  Leah had mentioned to me on one of our walks her desire to run a 5k, just days before I read about the Zoo RunRun, and so events collided, and together with our friend Pirate Dr. Nurse Katie we walked the 5k last year in 45 minutes.
Please help me save the African habitat of the okapi, as well as the habitats of the more than 16,000 animals on the endangered list by donating to the CZS Conservation Fund on my fundraising page http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/tinazastrow/brookfield-zoorunrun-2012.

Real Tina?

My best friend Kristin can be…domineering. She knows what she wants and she will speak up until she gets it. She will accept that I have wants and needs as well and she knows that she has control issues, so she usually will back down if I ask her to. And that’s fine. But our past affects our present, even in friendships. And my former best friend (let’s call her M) was also domineering but in a very different way.
If I had been in another kind of relationship with M people around me would probably have recognized abuse warning signs. Before I met M I was shy and I didn’t have many friends, although mainly by choice. Then I met M and she got past all my defense mechanisms and we became “best friends”. Then she began wearing me down. I retreated from my other friends, to the point where I wouldn’t even defend them when she said bad things about people I liked. She belittled any subject that I excelled at (social studies, English and art mainly) and raved about what a math and science genius she was and that she had much better job prospects than I would because I struggled in the “real” subjects. So I wound up feeling dumb. I was also a big girl, although now my ideal weight is exactly what I weighed in high school, so clearly not “to big” and she constantly brought that up, so I felt ugly. Dumb and ugly, yeah I was definitely not going to even try to make other friends, assuming they would make fun of me for the “flaws” that M was seemingly willing to overlook. I never dared defend myself or my opinions to her because she was my only friend and I didn’t want to make her angry with me. And she got angry with me a lot. Her preferred “punishment” was to be “busy” whenever I wanted to hang out or talk, making sure that we interacted just enough that I never went back to my other friends (who all had their own stuff going on anyway, this was high school!), but also making sure that my interpersonal needs weren’t met. I wound up constantly feeling alone and lonely. It was terrible. We went to different colleges and I finally managed to make some healthy friendships and eventually broke ties with M. But those years of psychological abuse left me unable to defend my opinions, even to my closest friends. I often find myself giving way, even when it’s important to me, just because I don’t want to make people angry.
I’ve been working on that a lot lately, and trying to remind myself that my needs and wants are just as important as other people’s. This is especially important because almost all of friends are strong personalities, and I feel a little like “real Tina” gets lost in the crowd. I especially noticed this when Kristin and I were planning Jamie’s bridal shower. She was the maid of honor, so it really was her shindig, but we agreed to throw it together (especially as the other bridesmaids were too far away to help anyway). But sometimes I felt a little like the only thing she wanted from me was my pocketbook, and not any of my opinions. Like I said though, she was the maid of honor, it’s her shindig, whatever, and so I didn’t say anything. But now she and I are throwing another party, with another friend of ours. I suggested throwing the party, I thought up what I thought we should do for the party, and I’m the main go between for the other two girls as I’m closer with both of them than they are with each other. So today I went to Hobby Lobby to get ideas for the invitations and I wound up all conflicted because I could not make up my mind about what to get because I know Kristin has a tentative idea in mind. The thing is I have a solid idea. I know exactly what I want to do. So I guess the question is, will I speak up tomorrow when we get together to work on the invitations? Or will I let her steamroll me without even realizing it? Have I grown enough in the 10 years since M and I started drifting apart, to stand up for my ideas and my vision?
***Clarification***
Please let me be clear here. Kristin is not anything like M. I could stand up for myself and she would probably applaud that. She is also the first truly healthy friendship I had recovering from the damage M did, and she’s a good part of the reason I don’t still call M “friend”. This is not an issue of her not wanting to hear my opinion, or making me feel like I can’t defend myself. This is all about my personal demons holding me back.

It's Not Multiple Personalities

Tonight I got to hang out with a friend (who, for the purposes of this post I’ll keep anonymous), and it was super fun. She’s married whilst I remain single. But I love to read, so if the conversation turns, as it did tonight, to sex or relationship while I have no practical information (as in info that I’ve actually used), I have tons of theoretical info from journal articles, Cosmo, books, etc.. So I insist on saying stuff anyway, and I think that makes this particular friend uncomfortable (because she is conservative and is uncomfortable with the thought that I may or may not have engaged in premarital activities- no fears, I didn’t). The other problem is that I will be open about what I think and I don’t couch things in a way to make them more palatable. If we’re talking about sex I prefer to talk about sex, but I think perhaps that made my friend uncomfortable too because she’s more conservative and would perhaps prefer if we could be more vague about stuff. Sorry :(
Meanwhile, I’ve come up with an important theory about my life. There are two “Tina’s”. There’s “real Tina” who is shy, nervous about important things, and private. Then there’s “fake Tina”. Fake Tina is the Tina most people know because she’s kind of like a magician. She’s loud and self-assured. She not only is uncensored but she gives to much information. She’s screaming for you to pay attention to her “Hey! Look over here! I’m gonna do something outrageous!! Look at me!!” but it’s less because she wants you to pay attention to her and more because if you think you already know all there is to know about “Tina” you won’t go looking for “real Tina”. If “fake Tina” is all flashy and begging you to pay attention to her, “real Tina” remains safe and unnoticed.
For instance, last night I was out with Kristin and other friends, including one young man who shall remain nameless but whom I happen to have a crush on. Have for years, probably always will. BUT, and here’s where it gets *fun* he’s completely…uninterested isn’t the right word here but it’s close to what I mean. Perhaps unaware? Can he be unaware of me? Anyway, back to my theory. If he’s uninterested in “fake Tina” that doesn’t bother me, because that’s not the real me anyway, but if he spent time with the “real Tina” and remained uninterested, that would bother me. So “fake Tina” is the Tina who got to go out for Kristin’s birthday last night. And she was at her fake best, blatantly checking out the waiter’s butt (because if I’m checking out other guys then clearly I don’t have any sort of crush on anyone at my table right?), making naughty comments, and basically being her loud distracting self.
I don’t always think that this is a problem. We all having coping mechanisms when we’re in stressful situations. But I think for me it has become a problem because “fake Tina” has been the only Tina who gets to go out for a long time now. Even my best friends don’t see a lot of “real Tina” even when we’re alone and talking and I’m comfortable, it’s just too hard to take off the mask that everyone knows and reveal my true self. But wouldn’t it be better if I could reveal my real self, at least to some people? If I could act normal, around my friends? If I could be comfortable enough to let people see me without the mask? That’s why I write here on this blog, almost every entry here has been written by “real Tina” and now someone who read my archives one boring Saturday afternoon could know me better than my best friend of ten years. But, now that I’m aware of what I’m doing, I’m going to make a concentrated effort to let “real Tina” out of her shell a little more often. So, if you think you know, but think I’m acting weird lately, that’s why. Be quiet and don’t scare me and you might get to see a rare sight, “real Tina” out in the world, interacting with people.

Challenge

Earlier this week I wrote a post that was a bit dark and depressing. I didn’t post it, because whenever I write those posts I like to sit on them for a few days before sharing with the internet. The gist of the post was that I was feeling like a failure as an adult. Once again I had been subjected to the opinion of someone who doesn’t understand my job. The idea that because I teach preschool, I don’t really teach, makes me crazy. Part of what I originally wrote was…
“In college, I was idealistic. I was convinced that I was going to become this fantastic teacher and I was going to inspire the next generations to pinnacles of success. I would arouse the interest of future history makers with my stories of the history makers of the past. I would never doubt the mark I was leaving on the future, because I would be able to see it in the eyes of my students.
Instead, I teach skills so basic most people don’t even realize they’re learned behaviors. I teach children to use the toilet. I teach them to wash their hands, a skill most of them won’t even hold onto anyway, if restaurant behavior means anything. I teach them not to pick their noses, to use silverware instead of their hands at the table, when to yell and when to speak gently.”
Then I rambled morosely for several paragraphs before ending with a challenge to myself. “I just wrote an assessment of a three year-old I could have written about myself, ‘She knows her strengths, but avoids activities that challenge or will allow for growth’. I need to find a way to challenge myself.” All I really needed out of that post was the final line. I need to find a way to challenge myself.

New Plan!

I want to lose some weight. Although it might be better if I waited until after my friend’s wedding as my dress fits me now, I don’t care. I want the weight gone by the time I leave on vacation, or at least a good amount of it, and that means I have to start now, not in two months.
I made a good start today, by deciding to do something about it. Also by buying the stuff for good healthful salads for work lunches. Because if I have something yummy, I won’t be tempted by the Wendy’s five blocks away right? I also picked up some good fruit for snacks and side dishes, and a few potatoes (because if there are no carbs to go with my salads, I will fall to Wendy’s in less than three days) to bake and eat with that butter flavored yogurt I like. All that plus the yogurt I already eat for most snacks, some multi-grain cereal for breakfast, a shiny new water bottle to encourage water drinking, and some 100% juice for when water gets boring, and I spent a lot of money on this crazy scheme. So that “solves” the whole “eat healthier and reduce your caloric intake” part of weight lose.
The hard part for me is the “exercise and increase your caloric output” part. I have a hard time finding the motivation to workout. I don’t take workout classes because they’re expensive, and I get self conscious in the classroom with strangers. Sometimes I take the dog for walks, which I’m only motivated to do because I can listen to my mp3 player, but I want to do more. The dog is just excited to go for a walk, but he can’t make me walk longer or faster. I have some workout DVDs that I used to do sometimes, but I got bored alone in the basement jiggling my body along to whatever tiny little person was on my TV. Plus those people freak me out, because they’re tiny and can do scary things with their bodies that I can NOT do, and then I feel like an idiot for thinking I can, and then I run away from the TV in shame. But, I only run as far as my bed (which is where I my nightstand with the Oreos in it is), so that’s not very helpful.
So, what I need from you is twofold (after you laugh at me). I need some ideas for how to eat healthier, but cheaply and without getting bored. Boredom --> Wendy’s. I also need some thoughts on workouts that I’ll be motivated to do without having to stare at my jiggly bits in the mirror for 20 minutes first.

Prayer request

I don't know how many readers are also "pray-ers", but if there are any of you who read and pray, read on.
As you know my friend has been trying to adopt for many months now, and was recently picked. She and her husband brought Naomi home just over a week ago, and they love her. Sarah told me that Jeff's first day back at work, when he got home he came right to Naomi and took her right away because he had missed her. Sarah will be, without a doubt, one of the best mom's I know. However, there have been some issues with the adoption. The birth parents still haven't signed all of the papers, I don't really know which ones and what all is going on. What I do know, is that Sarah and Jeff met with the birth parents tonight, and now have reason to believe that the birth parents may be changing their minds about giving Naomi up. Obviously this is hard on Sarah and Jeff, and frankly is hard on Naomi. So, if you pray, please pray for my friends. Pray for Naomi. Also, pray for the birth family. Pray for wisdom on the part of all those involved and pray that Sarah and Jeff will stay strong no matter what happens.

I Love You?

Honestly? This is going to be a long post, and it’s not going to end with adorable pics of Naomi. However, it is a little bit about Naomi, so here goes.
Yesterday evening, I met Naomi. She is the sweetest, tiniest little thing, and I love her. Which I told her at some length. But that’s actually the issue. She wasn’t even a week old when I met her for the very first time, and I had no trouble telling her I love her. I say it easily to my niece, my nephew, even my cat. But I rarely, if ever say it to adults. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of adults whom I love (or who I loved at one point), but with the exception of my mom, I never say it. I loved my friend Sondi and since she died I’ve wondered frequently if she knew it. After her funeral I promised myself I would make sure that I wouldn’t have to wonder if others know it, that I would learn to say “I love you”. But, I didn’t. I love my best friend. I love her parents. I love some of my other friends. There’s obviously no real reason for me to love Naomi. Honestly, there’s not really any reason for me to love Nataly or Nick, I just do. And I did from before I even laid eyes on them. So, why am I so willing to tell them, but not my friends?
Although I’ve never experienced “eros” love, that romantic love that is so often described as being in love, that’s more because I’ve actively avoided such a thing. But philia love (friendship) and storge love (familial) are both emotions I’m extremely familiar with. I wish the English language had those more precise words (like the Greek ones I’ve used). Actually, it reminds of something I thought about when I read The Giver. At one point Jonas asks his parents if they love him, and they reprimand him for imprecise use of language, that they are proud of him and they take pleasure in him, but that the word love has no meaning. I think, in English, in our culture, that’s actually true. Although people are shocked or outraged when Jonas’ parents say it, what does the word love really mean? People “love” things- new technology, furniture, houses, etc; ideas, the internet, TV shows, etc; activities like going for walks, swimming, etc. But don’t all of those uses cheapen the word? Is the enjoyment that you take in a long swim on a hot day really the same as the feelings you have for your lover, your sister, or your best friend? And why is it that in our culture we assume that if one adult tells another un-related adult “I love you” that they mean it in the eros form? It’s why I wrote the version of “Beauty and the Beast” I’m working on. It’s not done yet, but if you don’t mind the spoiler, Prince William is going to love (philia or storge) Johnny, there’s nothing romantic or eros about it, and the curse (in the original) never says it has to be. Why does our culture so devalue these other forms of love, while elevating eros? Especially considering that until fairly recently (two-three hundred years ago) eros love was the devalued and philia was the most valuable. It was only with the rise of the “love-match” marriage in the 1800s that philia love fell to the wayside. Why can’t we have both?
Tomorrow I promise to post my pics of Naomi. Feel free to come back for that!

Lies My Teacher Told Me

I just recently finished a book called “Lies My Teacher Told Me” which I highly recommend. The book explains why you were probably bored in history classes, and why to this day you think you aren’t interested in a subject which affects you in many ways, every day. I have friends who can’t even be interested in politics which affects our lives in a very meaningful way every single day, because they can’t stand history. Yet if history were taught the way this book suggests, I think everyone would have some interest in the topic.
I have often regretted what the book calls “heroification”. This is the process of taking very real people, with very real flaws, and making them into more than they were. The classic example is Thomas Jefferson. The man wrote the famous words “all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. Yet over the course of his adult life he owned over 200 slaves. In a time when many men freed at least some slaves upon their deaths, he freed only five, all of whom were directly related to him. If real history were taught, the gritty things that raise people’s hackles, discussions would be held in the classroom and in our living rooms, and far more people would have a far better understanding of our history. Instead, we teach a sanitized version of history that leaves children thinking that those great men, who did those great things were so great they can’t be role models. It is hard to look up to someone who never made a mistake and think “I can be just like that guy!”. But to tell students that despite the mistakes that people made, they also did great things? That would give our students true heroes.
The author proposes that the reason behind this sanitation of history is that without it, history would offend, and offensive history wouldn’t get adopted by selection committees. The selection committees want to indoctrinate students to think only the best of our country and our past, and so our students must only be told the good things we’ve done.
This book has helped remind me of why I love history, and why I want to teach it to high schoolers. Many times since I graduated, I’ve considered settling not for what I want to do, but what I should do. I don’t want to leave behind those dreams, I don’t want to settle. I want to inspire the next generation to truly think and to question why we do things. I can’t do that by retreating to the hallowed halls of academia, I can only do that in the dirty halls of a high school. I appreciate that the author of this book has helped remind me of that goal, and thus helped set my determination.

Not Giving Up

Five years ago I had a plan. I was going to transfer to a four year university, study history/secondary ed, graduate, and teach high school history. Two years ago I was half way through my plan with graduation in sight. In the spring of 2009 I graduated, first person in my family to do so. I was pretty proud of myself. Now I’ve been out of school for over a year, working at a job I love but that I was qualified to do before I transferred.
Beyond my basic plan, I wanted to get my master’s degree and eventually my Ph.D. When I couldn’t find a job teaching I researched advanced degree programs, figured out some that I really like, and saved them as favorites so I could find them easily. Today I realized I haven’t looked into that in months. I actively avoid pausing over the “Graduate Schools” spot on my favorites menu. Part of the reason I haven’t looked at them is because I want to be practical and I know it’s harder to get your first teaching job with an advanced degree. Part of it is…I don’t really know.
All that is to say, I feel like I’ve given up on my dreams. I’m no longer on the path I want to be on. There aren’t many teaching opportunities at the moment, so I don’t think that’s something I can pursue any more than I have. Instead I will working diligently at my applications for grad school. The big problem there is that the programs I like are rather hard to get into (3% acceptance rate at one), or very far away (like on the East Coast). I think further research is called for on this one, but I have to work fast since most take applications in the late fall or early winter.

Work! Family! Personal! We've Got It All!!

Sometimes I don’t write anything because nothing has happened, but in this case I haven’t written because too much has happened. I did want to write before I leave on vacation (Taste of Chicago Saturday, Rockford fireworks Sunday, leave for St. Joseph’s Monday!!!). First, work…
I have told you about the situation at work. First a few weeks ago, a parent complained because her daughter got wet and (GASP!!) dirty. Last week the same parent complained (to me, not my boss for once) that her daughter was never in our class newspaper. I explained calmly to the parent that her daughter goes to summer school in the morning, and the morning is when the kids write their articles, and when we do the things that show up in the paper. Friday the daughter threw a FIT about having to play kickball. The class rule is that you play the first half hour at any one place (ball field, park, etc) and then you can sit out. She threw a fit in the middle of the ball field and told me her mom said she didn’t have to play if she didn’t want. After warning her that her behavior would lead to “serious consequences” I made her apologize to her classmates “I’m sorry I ruined your fun.” She had to say. Then I let her off. I told her sister who picked her up, because she was still upset. Monday her mom complained about the way I talked to the sister. Tuesday she slapped another girl in the leg while I was sitting about six inches away. I made her apologize. I should clarify that I make them apologize by looking whoever they’re apologizing to in the face and saying “I’m sorry for…” which you hear in my class about every 2.3 minutes. The girl refused to sit up, refused to apologize for several minutes, finally did it mere seconds before mom showed up. I’m no longer allowed to speak to the family, so I said nothing. Thirty minutes later my boss came downstairs with the mom and her daughter who had been telling them that I made her apologize to another child because the other child kicked her. Twenty minutes after that the kid admitted that she had slapped the person she apologized to, and her mom didn’t care. She was too caught up in what I had done (made her kid apologize). She eventually threatened my boss with a phone call to DCFS (our supervising agency), my boss told her to go ahead. She also said that we favor staff kids (I personally am probably harder on staff kids). Her daughter came outside where I was watching ten other kids to yell “What is wrong with you?!?” at us. She is now hanging out in another teacher’s class until I get back from vacation. Her mom was told she had until then to either adjust to my class (getting dirty, participating, respecting everyone…) or to find a different school for her kid. Works rocks (no, I’m serious, I’m so glad how supportive my boss has been throughout this situation).
Now Family…
We took Niece and Nephew to the zoo again. Nephew can now say rilla (gorilla), pant (elephant), ger (tiger), sheal (seal), fin (dolphin), pig (guinea pig), cat (self-explanatory), and I don’t even know what else. Kid knows his animals is what I’m saying. He’s just over a year old now, so I’m pretty proud of him. We took in a dolphin show, touched the stingrays (actually Niece only tapped the top of the water because she was afraid and Nephew’s arms weren’t long enough, but I touched the rays), played at the play zoo, pet a guinea pig at the play zoo, saw the gorillas and the alligators and rode the carousel. It was an excellent day, but at this point I think they just expect to go to the zoo when they see Aunt Tina and Grandma. I hope they don’t get upset when I’m gone the next three weekends!
Personally…
I got to hang out with a friend from high school. This is the last of my Christian friends, the rest of them having fallen to the wayside as they became more conservative and I became more liberal. Also as I objected to being used as a scapegoat for everything wrong in people’s lives (more on that another day maybe). She is one of the sweetest people I know. She is also the friend whom I told you was adopting.  I hadn’t really hung out with her the last month or so due to the drama in her life and my new work schedule. Later, I ran into a friend I usually only see a few times a month at the library tonight. Next thing I knew almost an hour had passed and I had seen his famous movie list (he’s listed every movie he’s ever seen apparently), and records every movie in some crazy system I think only he understands. It was pretty cool. He also showed me this. Mel Gibson is clearly a troubled man.
As of six pm tomorrow I’m on vacation, so this will have to hold you over until I get home. Then I’ll tell you all about vacation, and also what happened to my Christian friends.