Wednesday, May 8, 2013

A realization I've had thanks to talking to a friend late at night

I've suffered mild insomnia the last few weeks.  I'm laying in bed unable to sleep thinking about the dreams that I need to let go of.
I dreamed of being a teacher my whole life.  I wanted to share my passion for history with a new generation.  I remember being taught history as this stagnate boring thing that I had to search to for the fun in.  I want to do better for the new high schoolers.  I want to show them history's importance   to current events.  Instead I teach two year olds to use the potty and walk in lines.  And while I see the importance in what I do, it's not the same.  It's not the passion.  But it's something when I can't find a job that would fulfill my passion.  So I need to learn to let it go.  Accept the choices that I've made that have led me here.
I'm alone in the world.  I have no family, no one I can rely in case of emergency.  I don't even have a go-to person to write in the In Case of Emergency line on paperwork.  I always wanted family.  I've cut most of my family out of my life, and for good reason.  I don't regret it most of the time.  But I always dreamed that girl would meet boy, girl and boy would fall in love, and I would have my own family.  I'm thirty years old.  Girl has never met boy.  It's time to let it go and plan accordingly.
I never planned on being in the place I'm in.  Thirty years old.  Alone.  Living off the kindness of other and a paycheck that barely stretches to all the corners.  Nothing and no one to call my own.  Maybe I should have.  But now it's hitting me.  And I'm trying to learn to embrace the place I'm in rather than the place I dreamed I would find.  But it's hard.  And it's keeping me up nights.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Coming to terms


Every day that passes I learn a little more

It’s time to let my dreams go

Can’t be a child anymore, it’s time to embrace adulthood

This isn’t a fairy tale

No one every promised a happily ever after.

Yet letting go of every dream is too much to ask of one woman

I sit, wearied at the thought, trying to let go

Trying to hold on

Trying to find the strength to fight either way instead of laying stagnate

Afraid of change

I need to grow up and embrace reality

I’m alone and will be alone