Tina's Untitled Blog: May 2013

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

A realization I've had thanks to talking to a friend late at night

I've suffered mild insomnia the last few weeks. I'm laying in bed unable to sleep thinking about the dreams that I need to let go of.
I dreamed of being a teacher my whole life. I wanted to share my passion for history with a new generation. I remember being taught history as this stagnate boring thing that I had to search to for the fun in. I want to do better for the new high schoolers. I want to show them history's importance to current events. Instead I teach two year olds to use the potty and walk in lines. And while I see the importance in what I do, it's not the same. It's not the passion. But it's something when I can't find a job that would fulfill my passion. So I need to learn to let it go. Accept the choices that I've made that have led me here.
I'm alone in the world. I have no family, no one I can rely in case of emergency. I don't even have a go-to person to write in the In Case of Emergency line on paperwork. I always wanted family. I've cut most of my family out of my life, and for good reason. I don't regret it most of the time. But I always dreamed that girl would meet boy, girl and boy would fall in love, and I would have my own family. I'm thirty years old. Girl has never met boy. It's time to let it go and plan accordingly.
I never planned on being in the place I'm in. Thirty years old. Alone. Living off the kindness of other and a paycheck that barely stretches to all the corners. Nothing and no one to call my own. Maybe I should have. But now it's hitting me. And I'm trying to learn to embrace the place I'm in rather than the place I dreamed I would find. But it's hard. And it's keeping me up nights.