Monday, August 29, 2011

So Cute!!

I didn't sleep well last night, so I ran home on my break for a nap. I laid down in bed and my cat jumped up with me (which she always does). I sleep on my side kind curled up like a question mark (?)and usually my cat either sleeps in the curve on top or in the angle on bottom. Today, she jumped up on top of me so she was sleeping on my hip and rib cage. Then she wrapped her paw around my arm and STARTED PETTING ME. Like she was the person and I was her pet. Swear to God that happened today.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


So I promised myself I would keep all my diet drama on my other blog (since that's what it's dedicated to). But exercise isn't diet, so I can talk about that right? Anyway, I think I've become addicted to a drug, but it's endorphins, so that's probably cool right? I started working out about six weeks ago and I kind of hated it. I didn't like doing DVDs in my house, because sometimes my mom came home and then I felt all embarassed. I didn't like walking because it's in public and people can see me. I can't swim (still). And I didn't really know what else there was. But, I made myself walk anyway. I recruited a few buddies to walk with me once a week each and then I made a rule that I can't listen to my mp3 player unless I'm working out. So the first week I went for 2 walks. Then I wanted to improve what I could do when I was out with my friends, so the second week I went for a walk on my own too. Now I walk anywhere from three and half to SEVEN miles five days a week. On my first solo walk, I picked a good route and then started walking and for three weeks I was dying by the time I got home. Then I started to enjoy it. Today when I realized I was almost home I considered just turning down the side street I usually go down to start my walk and doing it all over again. Because it felt GOOD. But it was getting dark and I didn't think I'd make it back before full night fall. So I didn't. But as of tomorrow I'm changing my regular solo walking path from the 3.5 miles I'e been doing to a 5 mile path. Wish me luck (and endorphins!!).

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Zoo Fun Run

"Each year more species lose their race for survival and disappear from the wild.
But it is a race we can win, and You Can Help!
The Chicago Zoological Society Conservation Fund is dedicated to making a difference for these species across the globe. By joining us at the Brookfield ZooRunRun on Sunday, September 25 and raising funds you will help our efforts to save these incredible animals and their natural environments." -Brookfield Zoo

I've decided to walk in Brookfield Zoo's 5k fun run/walk this year. I think it should be a lot of fun, great at helping me achieve my physical fitness goals, and great at helping the zoo raise funds for conservation. Anyone live in the area and want to join me? I'll be registering next Tuesday (August 30) and hopefully I'll have at least a few friends, to register with me.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Photo Challenge

Hey remember when I decided to do a photo challenge meme? And I posted 2 of the 30 pictures and then forgot all about it? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, here's the third picture...
A photo of the cast of your favorite show-

The time is the 23rd century. In the wake of a devastating interstellar war, the survivors decide to build a space station where representatives from various races can meet and resolve their differences peacefully. The station is intended to be the galaxy's last, best hope to put an end to violence. Its name is Babylon 1.
It gets blown out of the sky.
Undeterred, the advocates of peace build Babylon 2, and then Babylon 3.
Both get blown up as well.
So they build Babylon 4. And it doesn't get blown up!
Instead, within hours of completion, it just inexplicably ... goes missing. But we're sure to track it down, real soon now.
In the meantime -- welcome to Babylon 5.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Real Tina?

My best friend Kristin can be…domineering. She knows what she wants and she will speak up until she gets it. She will accept that I have wants and needs as well and she knows that she has control issues, so she usually will back down if I ask her to. And that’s fine. But our past affects our present, even in friendships. And my former best friend (let’s call her M) was also domineering but in a very different way.
If I had been in another kind of relationship with M people around me would probably have recognized abuse warning signs. Before I met M I was shy and I didn’t have many friends, although mainly by choice. Then I met M and she got past all my defense mechanisms and we became “best friends”. Then she began wearing me down. I retreated from my other friends, to the point where I wouldn’t even defend them when she said bad things about people I liked. She belittled any subject that I excelled at (social studies, English and art mainly) and raved about what a math and science genius she was and that she had much better job prospects than I would because I struggled in the “real” subjects. So I wound up feeling dumb. I was also a big girl, although now my ideal weight is exactly what I weighed in high school, so clearly not “to big” and she constantly brought that up, so I felt ugly. Dumb and ugly, yeah I was definitely not going to even try to make other friends, assuming they would make fun of me for the “flaws” that M was seemingly willing to overlook. I never dared defend myself or my opinions to her because she was my only friend and I didn’t want to make her angry with me. And she got angry with me a lot. Her preferred “punishment” was to be “busy” whenever I wanted to hang out or talk, making sure that we interacted just enough that I never went back to my other friends (who all had their own stuff going on anyway, this was high school!), but also making sure that my interpersonal needs weren’t met. I wound up constantly feeling alone and lonely. It was terrible. We went to different colleges and I finally managed to make some healthy friendships and eventually broke ties with M. But those years of psychological abuse left me unable to defend my opinions, even to my closest friends. I often find myself giving way, even when it’s important to me, just because I don’t want to make people angry.
I’ve been working on that a lot lately, and trying to remind myself that my needs and wants are just as important as other people’s. This is especially important because almost all of friends are strong personalities, and I feel a little like “real Tina” gets lost in the crowd. I especially noticed this when Kristin and I were planning Jamie’s bridal shower. She was the maid of honor, so it really was her shindig, but we agreed to throw it together (especially as the other bridesmaids were too far away to help anyway). But sometimes I felt a little like the only thing she wanted from me was my pocketbook, and not any of my opinions. Like I said though, she was the maid of honor, it’s her shindig, whatever, and so I didn’t say anything. But now she and I are throwing another party, with another friend of ours. I suggested throwing the party, I thought up what I thought we should do for the party, and I’m the main go between for the other two girls as I’m closer with both of them than they are with each other. So today I went to Hobby Lobby to get ideas for the invitations and I wound up all conflicted because I could not make up my mind about what to get because I know Kristin has a tentative idea in mind. The thing is I have a solid idea. I know exactly what I want to do. So I guess the question is, will I speak up tomorrow when we get together to work on the invitations? Or will I let her steamroll me without even realizing it? Have I grown enough in the 10 years since M and I started drifting apart, to stand up for my ideas and my vision?
Please let me be clear here. Kristin is not anything like M. I could stand up for myself and she would probably applaud that. She is also the first truly healthy friendship I had recovering from the damage M did, and she’s a good part of the reason I don’t still call M “friend”. This is not an issue of her not wanting to hear my opinion, or making me feel like I can’t defend myself. This is all about my personal demons holding me back.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Oh Dear Lord!

On Sunday my SIL told Nataly about the baby. On Monday Nataly had visitation with her father. His response?
-he posted on facebook something along the lines of "Mandy's pregnant. Again. Ever heard of birth control?" which led to some nasty comments from his friends- which fine, he's annoyed and taking it out on Mandy. Maybe man up buddy, but whatever.
-he told Nataly (who is FOUR and already has one younger sibling) that grownups can only love one kid. She went from excited and loving the new baby, to not being sure about it and wondering if the adults around her loved her or Nick. I literally cannot express how angry I was to hear that.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Fun Busy Weekend

My SIL is pregnant (10 weeks). Yesterday she told Nataly. I said something about"shiny, new toy" which is what I've been calling the baby for eight weeks. Nataly finally asked "What's shiny, new toy?" so it all came out. Nataly was super excited, she told our server when he came by to see if we needed anything. Then later when we got to my house she got up in the recliner with her mom and put her head on Mandy's belly and started talking to the baby. She told it that she loves it. She also decided it is going to be a girl and her name will be Clarabelle.
Last night I was talking to my friend Chris about the movie Capt. America and he started "teaching" me about comic books. It was fun since I LOVE comic book movies, but comic books were banned in my house when I was growing up. He's going to loan me a few of his favorite comic books to read.
Today I had a lot of fun with a friend. I've been trying to make my time with friends be less focused on food and more focused on time with friends, but tonight we went to Panera for dinner. It was good, if slightly dramatic (the server lied to me about my dinner, twice). Afterwards we went for a nice walk and that was enjoyable.