Friday, January 13, 2012

Curse You Bookclub!!!

Now that The Hobbit is officially on this year's book list, I CANNOT wait to read it, and also I MUST REREAD the ENTIRE trilogy. Except our very wonderful bookclub person who puts our list in order, put The Hobbit in AUGUST. That is very much far-ness from now. Also, I resolved to read The Simarillion thanks to m friends' low opinions of it at New Years, and I would like to start that, but can't decide if it should go before or after LOTR, which clearly can't go until after The Hobbit.
Also, my TBR list has now reached such epic proportions I'm not sure it can be completed in one life time. It can't even be contained by one source anymore. There's 52 book titles saved to my phone, approximately 97 books I've never read on my bookshelves, 200 unread books and/or documents on my Nook and 178 books on my official Goodreads TBR. How do other people have such managable book lists?!?!?!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Don't Promise This Post Will Stay Up Forever

I didn't really expect to get back to this so quickly, but as I feel led, so I shall write.
So as part of my "improve self-image" process I've been spending some time on My Body Gallery this website where women post pictures of themselves (with the faces blocked usually) along with their "stats" (size, height, weight). This is so that women with body issues like mine can look at pictures of other people who are their same height and weight and see what that looks like on another person, without the self-judgement about being fat, no matter your real size.
Here is a fairly current picture of me. (I only have one picture of me taken in the last six months or so, so although I have a whole post about this picture, and it's not really a prime picture for this post, I shall share it now. For your reference. You are welcome.)

I currently weigh 206 and am (according to my doctor, although not in real life) 5' 10" (Leah is an inch taller than me in real life and she insists she is 5' 9" so I'm confused, but whatever- just go with it).

This woman also weighs 206 and is 5'10".

There were no pictures of women who were 5'9" and 206 lbs, I got as close as I could. This woman is 5'9" and 200 lbs. Just since I can't be sure of my height with the whole Leah thing.

Now...just for the sake of understanding what I'm trying to stop thinking- here's what *I* see when I look in the mirror.

I'm not actually sure if it's fair to post this woman's weight given that what I'm saying could be taken in a negative context, and that is the opposite of the point of the website. I DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY AT ALL!! I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with this woman. What I am saying is that weight is searchable in 10 pound increments, and wanting to be fair, I started searching for a picture to match what I see in the mirror at my actual weight, only moving up by 10 pounds each time I failed to find what I was looking for. It took until I was in the 290 lbs category that I found what I was looking for. That is what I find sick about this whole thing. Not what any of these women weigh (myself included) but how far I had to stray from my actual weight before I could find something that looked like "me". That is what I'm fighting with right now.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Self Image

I don't really know if post should go here, or on my other blog. But I'm going to put it here, because I want to and it's my blog.

So I've been struggling to lose weight for a few months now. As you may know (especially if you read the other blog, or actually know me), I've been on South Beach since late summer, and I've been trying to workout. I made a goal to lose 100 pounds, which would take me from 245 pounds (obese, unhealthy, and unhappy) to 145 pounds. I also decided that since I have never weighed so little, I would sort of reassess that goal as I lost weight, in case 145 pounds is actually unreasonable or unhealthy in some way, even though the BMI calculator definately says that it's "normal".
In the ensuing months I've lost about 35 of those pounds, so I'm now at 210. That's fantastic, and I'm proud of myself for losing weight, and being healthier. However, I don't actually see the difference. When I look in the mirror, I see the exact same body that I saw 35 pounds ago. People stop me to ask if I'm losing weight, or to tell me that I'm looking great, some people even ask how I'm doing it because they want to try what I'm doing. One co-worker even jumped on the South Beach diet train about two months after me. I've dropped several clothing sizes, and am even in clothes I NEVER thought would fit me. But I can not see the change at all.
I get discouraged about the effort I'm putting into dieting and exercising because even though I FEEL different, I FEEL healthier, I dont' think it's working. I think it's wasted effort because even as the number on the scale and the size of my clothes changes, I don't think I'm actually losing any weight. I tell myself that the scale is wrong (partially because it ways I was 30 pounds more on the opposite end of my room), that my size is changing because of "vanity sizing", that my clothes are to big because they stretch out in the wash.... For some reason it's much easier for me to believe all of that, than that I actually lost any weight.

I'm writing this post, not so that readers can or will feel bad for, or so that those of you who know me in real life will say something about it, but because I think that self-image is an issue that many people struggle with. I write this because a blogger whom I admire wrote this week about her fight with depression and with self-harm. Although that post was hard for her to write, I know it helped alot of people stuggling with the same issue. My self-image issues aren't on par with what she's dealing with, but I hope that by writing it down for all to see, perhaps I can help someone too. So, I'm going to be honest about this, and I'm going to talk about my struggle for a more positive self-image in the hopes that someone else can gain something from it. Hope you're ready!!!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Resolute Refined

I hung out with my dear freind Sarah last night and she helped me format my resolutions a little better. I also added a few she doesn't know about yet. So with no furth ado, here they are.

1. Be a better blogger- write a real post at least once a week, and update my layout by the end of the month.
2. Get back to South Beach basics (you can check out my other blog for more details)
3. Leave comfort zone/take more chances. This is what we decided all my quotes meant. I am going to seek out new ways to meet new people, spend more time with my single friends, and find new social opportunies all to step out of my comfort zone and try new things.
4. Seek spiritual satisfaction. Sarah doesn't know about this one (well now she does, she reads this blog), but we did talk for awhile about religious vs. faithful and why she believes what she believes. My resolution is to find a spiritual advisor and seek out what I believe (belief? I can never remember which is which, perhaps I should make learning that a resolution...).
5. Exercise a minimum of 30/day 5 days/week. This is things like rock climbing (which, just wait, I have a great post planned with pictures and everything!!), take a yoga class, learn to swim, train for the fox trot... I have plans is what I'm saying.
6. Be financially responsible. Pay off my credit cards (shouldn't actually be super hard as my total credit line is like $1,000), and save the extra money in my check (I just got a raise) instead of spending it.
7. Scratch at least three items off my bucket list. I'm thinking I can probably do at least some of the following-
3. Visit the White House, Supreme Court, and Capitol Building
10. See Gettysburg
16. Weigh what my doctor's height/weight chart says I should weigh
18. Zipline
47. Be present at a birth (supposed to be at my new nephew's in February)

So what are your resolutions? And did I miss anything really good on mine?

Sunday, January 1, 2012


I resolve to be a better blogger.
I resolve to read The Simarillion.
I resolve to continue on my way to a healthier me.
I resolve to remember, in all things, "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting.", and all the implications therein.
I resolve to remember also, "I would rather regret things I've done, than things I haven't." I also resolve to not let my 20s end without doing something to look back on, whether I regret that thing or not, is for time to tell- but I will do something.

Most of those resolutions are not "good" resolutions, in that they are vague without any supporting details to round them out and make them actually mean anything. I'll work out the details later this week, I just wanted to share the things I've been thinking about this week. This was my last New Year's Eve in my twenties. It was also the last of the child-free holidays in my group of friends since Jamie and Chris will have a teeny-tiny of their very own by mid-April. There are many changes in store for our little band of travelers* this year. Hopefully, some of them will be for me. It was thinking about all this, that led to the resolutions above.

*This is kind of a "my friend J-ism" but sometimes I think of my group of friends as a weird little fellowship, except without being stalked by orcs or the need to destroy the One Ring.