Tuesday, October 25, 2011

HAHAHA **Maniacal Laughter**

Remember when I said that I was putting my life in order and scheduling things? Whoa boy, that one was funny huh? I should have known that I was cursing myself by SAYING that I had a plan and was going to "hit the play button" on my life. Do you also remember that I wrote that my mom was going to be kicking me out of my house, but that I didn't think a date had been set? Well it was set, about two weeks ago. That date is Sunday. As in, I got two weeks to pack, find a place to live, and move. Two weeks. Moving sucks, but moving with two weeks notice sucks even harder.
Thankfully a friend of mine has agreed to allow me to rent a room from her. So I have somewhere to live. I still have to rent a storage unit (I'm afraid of scaring her with how much stuff I have!). I have to find some people who will help me move. Here's some solid advice from me to you, if you have any choice about when you're going to move, don't move during football season, all the men are watching football and you'll have to move alone.
I will tell you more things. I will tell them to you when I'm done moving and I'm settled in. In the meantime, please forgive my lack of updates.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Hit The Play Button

Has anyone else noticed the complete lack of ability to do ANYTHING lately? Between my compulsive pinning, the need to read every new Cracked article, and all the other ways one can waste an afternoon on the internet, I feel like I spend all my time procrastinating. I always have these big plans. I’m going to teach myself Spanish. I’m going to read academic articles and write stuff like I did when I was in school and my brain hurt from too much use instead of too little. I’m going to workout five times a week. I’m going to write the great American novel, or even a crappy American novel. And instead I’ll happily waste five hours of my evening watching reruns on cable while I pin things.
So I made myself a time schedule. I left in adequate time for pinning, and Cracked reading. But I made sure there’s time for intellectual pursuits. I wrote goals and made flashcards. I highlighted some stuff. I even wrote a few pages on my long festering novel. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop wasting my time and start getting things done. But I’m going to try. Because I’ve spent the three years since graduation feeling like I was on summer break, and I think it’s time to get my behind back in gear.
Plus, it wasn’t that many months ago that I was telling my friends I was going to become “interesting” with my rock climbing, flight school attending, marathon running goals. Of course, my friends mostly joked and laughed at me, so maybe they don’t have expectations. But I do. I’m sick of living on pause. It’s time to hit the play button on my life.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Painy and Falugal

Painy [pain-ee] adj.- The way one feels after running one's first eighth of a mile for the night and feels like ones stomach and heart may jump out of one's body in protest while one's legs twitch uncontrollably in order to try to force one to STOP RUNNING DEAR GOD JUST STOP!

Falugal [fah-loo-gal] adj.- The experience one gets when running, just past "painy" and just before "passing out-y", the stomach and heart remain in the body, the legs no longer twitch and the burgeoning runner feels fantastic as if s/he can do crazy things like possibly consider training over the next year to run a half marathon (13.1 miles)

So you know how I've been like walking and stuff with my friends Leah and Sarah? And how I walked that 5k thing a few weeks ago? Well apparently I'm going to be running a 5k in the spring. And the thought of running the 10k at the zoo next year instead of 5 has crossed my mind. As has the thought of a half marathon, and then maybe someday, a full marathon. I had to coin a whole new word for the crazy things I think when I'm...running. Because I run now. Actually, I think the correct term is jog. I think I jog now. But I think I'm supposed to be running in the near future.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I'm finally blogging again!

I'm having a rough time lately, and honestly a lot of it is hard to share with the internet, so I haven't really been blogging lately. But I feel bad, like I'm disappointing my readers, even though most of you know me in real life and have at least some idea of what's going on. Plus, I tend to feel better when I write things down, so I'm going to share. Watch out, cause there's a lot coming at you in the next paragraphs, and I'm not going to censor it!

My mom didn't tell me this until I asked, over a week after she told my sister-in-law. But, she's kicking me out of my house. I don't think there's a solid date yet, but I'm expecting it in the next few weeks. She says she needs the money from renting the house, and I can't even really afford half of what she's asking for, although she might be willing to rent it to me for that. The catch being, that if I do pay the rent I stay in the basement, paying far more than I can afford for the crappy living situation I'm in now, but worse because I'm even broker. I have a few ideas, a few choices, but none of them are good. I've applied for a few second jobs, but in this economy I'm not counting on such things. I have in my hands (metaphorically) a resume and application for a prime (although draining) job at a local residential school, but I'm afraid to mail it in.* I'm afraid to leave my current job, in case I should lose the new job and be stranded without anything. I'm afraid of failing, and so instead I'm doing nothing.
I've been collecting quotes on pinterest, quotes that I hope will motivate me to move forward.
"The hardest step for a runner is the first one out the front door." I use this as motivation in my workouts, but it can be motivation for my life too. The hardest step in life, is the first one out of your comfort zone.
"I'd rather have a life of 'oh wells' than 'what ifs'." True. Yet when I look back on my life, it's almost all "what ifs". What if I had gone to the college I wanted, when I wanted? What if I had done better in school? What if I stood up for my desires? What if I could let my real self known to those people that I wish knew me? Instead I let go of my dreams and stagnate. I still think "oh well" but it's not "oh well that didn't work out the way I wanted it to", it's more "oh well, I guess I won't get that".
"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all- in which case you fail by default" -J. K. Rowling. I fully agree with that, yet I live my life that exact default life. I never take risks, at least not the ones that truly matter. I need to keep this in mind a little better.

All that brings me to another point, another thing that is...hard for me. Over the weekend two of my dear friends got married. I'm excited for them. I'm so happy that so many of my friends have found their soulmates (a word I usually hate, but fits here if you know the couples I'm talking about). Four of my good friends married this year in two unforgettable weddings (I count both members of both couples as close friends). Yet I haven't managed to be in a solid relationship since high school. I've barely even managed dates in years. I don't know why it's so hard for me, but it is nearly impossible for me interact with men outside of friendship. I want to. But I freeze up, I totally fail at flirting, I just generally fail at social interactions. Which honestly, I really only know like five men- three of them are my friends' husbands, and two of them are my friend's brothers. Not exactly an open field for dating. Don't worry, I have quotes about this too-
"I refuse to settle for something less than great. And if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long I'll wait." - Dolly Parton. It's true. I won't settle, but the wait can be lonely.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love , it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." Perhaps my expectations are to high. Perhaps I to fully assimilated the lessons of Disney as a girl. I don't know. I just know I love this quote.
"It's hard to wait for something when you know it might never happen; but it's even harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want."

I might be depressed. I'm looking down the barrel of homelessness. I'm sick of being stuck, of being mediocre, but I don't know how to change it. I'm lonely. So sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm a little depressed, and it's hard to write the way I want people to rememer about me, when I can barely remember myself that way.

*To go back to my housing choices- there are a few others that just didn't fit in the above paragraph, but they aren't any better than the others.
I have a friend who sometimes rents a room in her house, but I don't want to ask her about it (actually she's tentatively mentioned it to me, but I still don't want to take her up on it). I don't want her to resent me the way she sometimes resents her last roommate. I don't want to potentially lose a friend.
I could live in my car. But you can see the inherent problems with that one.
I could...no I think those are all my choices.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Zoo RunRun

So I just realized I never told the internet all about my first 5k and it was weeks ago! I had a great time even though we mostly walked it. It took the walkers (my team was made up of three walkers- me, Leah, and Katie and a runner- Amber) 42:13 to finish, which is...respectable I guess. I don't know I've never done one before. Also, I raised 45% of my goal. Next year I think I'll register earlier and work harder to raise funds.

There were a few "special" things. There was supposed to be water at the halfway point, but by the time we got there (about the middle of the pack) they were out of cups and were packing up. Then there was supposed to be water and bananas at the finish line. Again, by the time we got there, they were out. Then there was supposed to be a healthy breakfast we could buy afterwards, but they only had sugared fruit and white bagels (not actually healthy).

Leah and I are training to actually run a 5k in the spring (yikes!!) which pretty much means my body hurts ALL THE TIME, but I kind of like it.