So here's a fun new thing I'm doing (can you hear the sarcasm and doubt?)

So...about three months ago I told a friend of mine that I found him attractive and I didn't really want to be just his friend.  After several long, emotionally draining discussions of why I feel that way and that, although he was attracted to me, he didn't feel it was appropriate for a variety of reasons, eventually I kissed him in a parking lot.  I'm not a hundred percent sure at what point we were dating, but after a few weeks we had the talk about only seeing each other, so we were definitely dating.  And I liked him.   A lot.  I was having a great time because he was my friend and I could talk to him about stuff, but there was this like extra thing there.  I was a little blindsided about three weeks ago when he decided he was done.
All of that is really just background, because now we get to the fun new thing.  I liked dating when I tried it (for the first time in years) last fall.  I really liked it when I tried it this year.  So I decided to keep doing it.  And now I'm online dating.  Like I made a dating profile, and am now exchanging slightly flirty messages with strangers.  I won't lie, I'd prefer hanging out with the friend who was more, but... this is fun too.  I think.  I'm not a hundred percent sure yet.

Hey look- someone else wrote poetry for me, and it's much better than when I try to do it myself!

I've loved this song for awhile, but it took until today for me to realize that the poetry is basically everything I've tried to say for months, perhaps years. 

In case you can't watch the video-

I've been believing in something so distant
As if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness
In me, in me

All the promises I made
Just to let you down
You believed in me, but I'm broken

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

As much as I'd like the past not to exist
It still does
And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here
I'm just as scared as you

I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

Run away, run away
One day we won't feel this pain anymore

Take it all away
Shadows of you
Cause they won't let me go

Until I have nothing left
And all I feel is this cruel wanting

We've been falling for all this time
And now I'm lost in paradise

I have amazing friends

So I have this list of things I want to do.  Sometimes I call it a bucket list, like every other person in the world.  I prefer to call it my life list.  And on my list are a million things I want.  But now there's one less because my friends surprised me.  They took me zip lining for my birthday this month.  And it was awesome!
I was told we were going hiking and then we would get lunch in a nearby small town on a small lake.  It took three cars to fit everyone and when we got there I noticed the zip lining place and mentioned to the friends I was with that I want to go zip lining.  And my friend was all "I don't want to do that."  And I laughed and said that I didn't mean today, I knew our plan was to go hiking.  So we get out of the car and I was distracted, searching for bug spray, and someone said "Hey, let's go zip lining" and I laughed again, because I thought it was a joke because, obviously, we were going hiking.  I should mention that very few of my friends are into hiking, and I was confused about why so many of us were doing this, but I'm not really a hiker myself, so I figured it was just a case of everyone doing something for the company of it. 
And then everyone laughed at me.  And we went zip lining.  And it was awesome.

And also, even more crappy poetry

5/27/13
Says he thinks I’m beautiful
He makes me feel like it’s true
Lose my inhibitions, constraints, and walls when he’s around
I forget all that haunts me
Ghosts stop chasing me and I’m left with just me in my head
I would have guessed that I always was
But the voices that tell me I’m nothing,
Stupid
Fat
They aren’t my voice
They fade away and let me hear myself
I’m not perfect,
But I’m good enough
 
<undated>

My insecurities, my fears
Poisoning my hopes
Staining my dreams
The cause of my downfall

 <undated>

If I had known the night we shared
Would be our only morning
I would have savored it
Snuggled in your arms
Cuddled up against your body
Dozed a little longer
Enjoyed a little more

Instead I felt things
And only knew how to show you with my body
You said we don't mesh
Because I prioritize sex
You didn't want a relationship
Didn't want me to be serious
But you didn't want me to want you
I don't know what you wanted
Don't understand what this should have been
Could have been
Would have been

Not looking for anything serious,
I'll take what the world throws me
But now I'm hating that the world threw me nothing but confusion
Left me missing what I didn't think I wanted
Left me wishing that I understood


<undated>

I was frozen, running away
Scared of how I felt
Of what I wanted
It took me months to learn to say it
And when I finally admitted my attraction,
You said you felt it too
But that we couldn't
Shouldn't
That you wouldn't

But drunk on attraction and whiskey
I made you anyway
Begged you to try
Kissed you in the parking lot at five am
After hours of talking about why you said no

And for awhile it was all okay

You watched out for my health

Asked me to be safe
Made me think you cared about me
It took me months to learn to say it
Only took you weeks to say no
Walk away
Decide that we should just be friends
Sex only got in the way
You didn’t know I never cared about sex
I wanted you
Mind and body

 <undated>

When we first talked about what I wanted you said you wanted it too

Yet only wanted to be friends at the same time
But I can’t live like that
Knowing that what I want is just out of reach
A phone call away

I live in a simple world, no shades, no halfways

I can’t want you and ignore it
Can’t pretend I don’t want to touch
Look away
I’d rather have nothing at all
Than the halfway thing you offered me
And somehow you accepted that
Gave in to me
Made me think it’d be okay

Now I’m back to watching friends slip off to be alone together

Husbands and boyfriends who check in
See if everything’s okay
Stop and give a kiss before they leave
Wives and girlfriends who hurry home to say goodnight to someone special
While I’m sitting alone, late at night, wishing for what I’ve never found
Lost your friendship
Lost your interest
Still don’t really know how

So...I write crappy poetry

I've been away awhile.  I spend one night a week at the local library, all settled in a corner, writing to my heart's content.  And yet, I've been ignoring my blog in favor of a novel I'm working on.  I do have a little something to share here.  In addition to my novel (which will remain super secret and no one but me will ever read it), I've been poet-ing.

3.6.13 (Insomnia)

Lying in bed
Moment by moment
Unable to sleep
Able only to dream
Mind so busy whirring,
Same things over and over again
"What if... and then... but no...
"But what if...?"
Wishing, dreaming
Can't stop thinking
My body so warm, cozy in my bed
Soft fuzzy blankets tucked tight around me
Purring in my ear, loud enough my body is shaking with it
The cat tucked beneath my cheek a pillow meant to help me sleep
My mind so far away
Not far enough
Focused on things I can't have
Whirring, buzzing, spinning around
Pretending
Interesting enough I can't make it stop.

 

4/15/13

Every dream I’ve ever had is turned to ashes in my mouth

Woman built to love, never loved

Lying about my dreams because they’ve turned bitter                                                        

Half-truths and untruths told to strangers, family, friends

Until no one knows the truth anymore
Not even I know what’s hidden deep inside my heart
Under the ashes of dreams and hopes burnt by a life unlived,
Unloved,
Unwanted, and unknown

5/6/13

Every day that passes I learn a little more

It’s time to let my dreams go
Can’t be a child anymore, it’s time to embrace adulthood
This isn’t a fairy tale
No one every promised a happily ever after.
Yet letting go of every dream is too much to ask of one woman
I sit, wearied at the thought, trying to let go
Trying to hold on
Trying to find the strength to fight either way instead of laying stagnate
Afraid of change
I need to grow up and embrace reality
I’m alone and will be alone