Thursday, December 27, 2012

Friend-zone and crappy metaphors

I'm sick of being friend-zoned.  I'm sick of looking around and seeing everyone else get paired up.  I'm sick of being over looked by men.  I want someone to want me.  I don't really want to be friends. 

I feel like I'm alone on Noah's Ark.  Even the flipping mice have partners and I'm alone.  Well I'm sick of it.  I write crappy metaphors, but Christmas always brings this out in me.  I spend Christmas with my best friend's family (as I do every single holiday, every year) and every time I end up feeling like Charlie Bucket standing outside of a candy shop, wanting the same candy every single damn other kid is eating, but I can't have any.  And I'm the only one who can't.  Everyone else can have all the f-ing candy they want, but I'm just standing there, smelling the smell, seeing people eat, slowly starving to death.  Well I'm done.  Charlie found a dollar, bought a candy bar and wound up with the whole flipping factory.  I'll settle for the dollar so I can enjoy the one piece of candy.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


A year ago I made a resolution to spend more time with my single friends.  At the time I thought this was simply because I have more in common with single girls than with my recently married friends.  Leah had been going out almost weekly with a series of men she met online, including one who is now a friend and one she's been dating for almost a year.  I couldn't identify what was bothering me, or why I wanted to spend more time with my single friends.  All of my friends are amazing, single or not.  Most of the time they even manage to make me forget that I have no family.  I have a fantastic, safe and comfortable place ot live when it's not that long ago I thought I would be living out of my car.  I have my cat, who is very happy that i pay for her food.  What more could I possibly want or need?
Then, a few months ago, I was going to a friend's party adn I planned on at least trying to flirst with him, to see if he was interested.  He's cute and nice it seemed worth the effort.  Instead I met a new guy.  He was cute and nice, and best of all, clearly interested in me.  We talked the whole night, long past when I should have gone home.  He walked me to my car and asked fo rmy number.  He texted within a half hour to make sure I had gotten home safely and to tell me he enjoyed meeting me.  We texted every day.  We went on a date within days of meeting, and for a goodnight kiss, he kissed my hand.  It was crazy.  It was intense.  And within weeks I tumbled head over heels.  he wasn't the kind of guy I imagined myself with.  But I didn't care.
But. And of course there's a but.  Within a few more weeks our dates stopped being times where we talked and cuddled and watched movies and started being times where he sat physcially seperate from me and worked hard to not feel anything.  I'm a physical person.  I missed touching him.  I missed te smell of him.  I missed feeling like he wanted me around.  Even though I had a boyfriend, I was suddenly feeling that unidentifiable feeling again.  And then one day he told me he was ambivalent about it.  I could only take it to mean me.  So I left.  And now I can identify that feeling.  It's lonelin ess.  I'm lonely.
So, here we are.  Days from the new year, from a new chance to make resolutions, to improve.  And I look back and realize I'm in the same boat I was in this time last year.  I weigh within ten pounds of the what I weighed last Christmas.  I continue to live on Leah's mercy and kindness.  The big improvement is that I know what this feeling that has been weighing me down is.  Now.  To figure out what to do about it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hey! Crappy Poetry!

He says he wants to talk, help, be there
Would he feel the same if he saw what I see
The ugly core at the heart of me
Shields and masks and mirrors to fake depth.
He thinks he’s looking down,
Seeking something that isn’t there
Sacrificed in the name of normal
Spread, cut,
Bled on the altar of expectations
He’s looking for something I can’t have back
The woman I was, before reality took all I am
All I was
All I could be
Left me dry, withered in the sun
A shell with nothing inside

You see these positive things, a glowing gem you shouldn’t handle
But that fades and soon you’ll see behind the tricks
The mystery that intrigues isn’t real
Cliché sounds reimagined when you have high expectations and your mind is clouded with sex
Someday you’ll see the truth for what it is
There’s nothing new here
Nothing to truly hold
Your attention will wander and you’ll be gone
I’ll be lost, cut free
Aching, needing, wishing
Would rather not feel at all than to feel what I know is coming
But it feels so good when you’re near
You make me forget the truth you don’t know yet
Remembering cuts me deep
I want to cry out with the pain

I can’t hide from you
The plummet below waiting for me to fall
Knowing that I will
That the end is inevitable
I can’t hold on forever
You see what I never bare
That my fingers are shaking, holding to the edge of it all
Grasping, begging for help that no one can give
While everything crumbles
Raining down burying me
No one else can see me fading, falling, slipping away
Wanting to just let go and let it wash me away
Knowing I have to stay strong
Pretend there’s no fall
That my world is where the pretty people live
That I don’t struggle just to stay awake
Stay here
Every moment I’m swept away, fighting not to stay but to pretend
I haven’t already given in

The depths, the heights
Is the one worth the other
The cost of feeling your arms around me
Is almost to high when you push me away
You rub me raw
Your scrape against the inside of me
Painful pleasure
Pleasured pain
Knowing I can’t be what you need
Someday I know you’ll see
What aggravates is truly me
Someday soon.

Waves crash over me
I barely stay afloat
Want to let go
Stop swimming in the depths
Pray to surrender

Suddenly feel solid ground again
Catch my breath
Start to build
To hope
To feel

Unexpectedly the ground collapses
Crumbles away
Tumbles around me
Leaving me clinging to the edge
Foundation raining down on me
Staring down at the depth that welcomes me
Feeling my grip fade
Want to let go
Let it take me

I want to fall through the void
Wake on the other side

Remember when
When you saw me
Wanted me
Kissed me and held me.
When did I become invisible
I want to be seen
To be important to you, to someone
But instead I’m standing here bare
Showing my soul
And you don’t care
Inside your own head
Drunk, high, and unaware
Slipping away, letting go.
I can’t hold on the in the face of your ambivalence
Can’t make you want me
Wouldn’t if I could
Someday someone will want me
Won’t make me fight invisible dragons
Won’t cheer for me to lose
Won’t tell me not to fall.
Someday, someone will beg me to let go and fall for him.