Thursday, December 2, 2010


Maybe you see yourself as an adventurer or a political genius, a math whiz or a sweet homemaker, maybe you see yourself as an academic or a jock. There are thousands of ways to see yourself, each unique to the person doing the looking. I want to see myself as independent and practical. One of the parents at my work recently bought his wife a Mazda 2. If you recall that is the car I really wanted when I bought my Focus. Ever since, one of my coworkers has been making quite the big deal about how jealous she is of the wife. We’ve been talking about it and I just realized my coworker is jealous because the husband bought his wife a car. I however, am jealous because I want her car. I don’t want someone to buy me a car; I want to buy myself a car.
The whole situation has made me think about how I perceive myself, how others perceive me, how I want to be perceived all in comparison to who I really am. In reality, I’m not as independent as I’d like. I live with my mom because I can’t afford to move out. Of course there are always options. I could get a second job, cut corners, stop going out, etc. But I’m essentially lazy. I like to be able to play with my friends, and have time for myself to watch TV or read books. So despite being independent in the little things, that clearly isn’t always the case, and especially not in the big things. As for practicality, I know other perceive me to be a bit of an airhead and again I sacrifice necessity for desire.
I want to be an Elinor (from Sense and Sensibilty) not a Marianne. Not coldly emotionless, but neither exposing my every passing thought or emotion. Not chillingly removed from those around me but neither revealed in front of everyone. Yet I conceal little. I have to acknowledge that those closest to me have little doubt as to my personal thoughts, from little things like what they’re getting for Christmas to the big things like my latest (and longest lasting) crush. I just can’t contain my exuberance, from my excitement at having bought the perfect present to my joy at spending time with crush boy.
That’s another place reality and perception doesn’t really meet. I am generally contented to remain single. The only time I really wish there was a special man in my life is late at night when I wish I was cuddled up to something other than my pillow. I don’t long for male companionship, although my friends know I do tend to notice every attractive man in a five mile radius. That’s just because I like to look, and I’ve liked to look since long before I would have known what to do with one if I had him anyway. I don’t enjoy the chaos of early relationships. I prefer to be around people I know and can be comfortable with. I enjoy being around people I can comfortably be quiet with or talk about anything rather than having to search for safe topics to discuss with people I don’t know. Despite all that I know very few people perceive me as being happy with the status quo in this area. People generally think because I have a dirty mind and like to look at men, that I want one of my very own.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Very open and honest. I like it!

    PS: Do I know who Crush Boy is?