A year ago I made a resolution to spend more time with my single friends. At the time I thought this was simply because I have more in common with single girls than with my recently married friends. Leah had been going out almost weekly with a series of men she met online, including one who is now a friend and one she's been dating for almost a year. I couldn't identify what was bothering me, or why I wanted to spend more time with my single friends. All of my friends are amazing, single or not. Most of the time they even manage to make me forget that I have no family. I have a fantastic, safe and comfortable place ot live when it's not that long ago I thought I would be living out of my car. I have my cat, who is very happy that i pay for her food. What more could I possibly want or need?
Then, a few months ago, I was going to a friend's party adn I planned on at least trying to flirst with him, to see if he was interested. He's cute and nice it seemed worth the effort. Instead I met a new guy. He was cute and nice, and best of all, clearly interested in me. We talked the whole night, long past when I should have gone home. He walked me to my car and asked fo rmy number. He texted within a half hour to make sure I had gotten home safely and to tell me he enjoyed meeting me. We texted every day. We went on a date within days of meeting, and for a goodnight kiss, he kissed my hand. It was crazy. It was intense. And within weeks I tumbled head over heels. he wasn't the kind of guy I imagined myself with. But I didn't care.
But. And of course there's a but. Within a few more weeks our dates stopped being times where we talked and cuddled and watched movies and started being times where he sat physcially seperate from me and worked hard to not feel anything. I'm a physical person. I missed touching him. I missed te smell of him. I missed feeling like he wanted me around. Even though I had a boyfriend, I was suddenly feeling that unidentifiable feeling again. And then one day he told me he was ambivalent about it. I could only take it to mean me. So I left. And now I can identify that feeling. It's lonelin ess. I'm lonely.
So, here we are. Days from the new year, from a new chance to make resolutions, to improve. And I look back and realize I'm in the same boat I was in this time last year. I weigh within ten pounds of the what I weighed last Christmas. I continue to live on Leah's mercy and kindness. The big improvement is that I know what this feeling that has been weighing me down is. Now. To figure out what to do about it.