I had an entry all written to post tonight when I got home. I wrote it during nap at work, but I had to wake the ids up before I could post it. It’s all about how perception and how I look at myself. I’m sure I’ll post in a few days when I’m nice and calm and rational again. But for now, I’m going to write this one…
I hate Christmas. I never used to. I’m one of those people who just barely gets through Thanksgiving anticipating Christmas. I usually shop on Black Friday. I put my tree up before the weekend is over. This year, like many others, I had presents wrapped and under the tree before Monday. I’m not sure what went wrong this year.
I could say it started Friday. I was a little down because I couldn’t go Black Friday shopping since I was completely broke (should have waited to buy a car until after the holidays!). But, instead I had Nataly over. Mandy and I made plans weeks ago for me to have special Aunt Tina and Naty only time while she was at work and Steve was supposed to have the kids. That day was the first day that I snapped this holiday season. First Steve called me to tell me Naty didn’t want to come with me, but when I talked to her she said she was excited to have our special time. I went to get her and Steve said, “It’s freezing here. Nick and I are coming with you.” I told him no because then Naty and I don’t have our alone time. He yelled a bit more and I told him he could come if he was going to entertain Nick and keep him away from Naty and I. Then he got mad at me and said if I was going to have an attitude about it. When I got her to my house, we started pulling out my special ornaments, the ones that mean something to me. Nataly asked about them and we talked. I pulled out the one that says “Baby’s First Christmas, 1982” and asked her who she thought had their first Christmas in 1982. She thought for a second before very proudly claiming “Jesus!”. Once the tree was up, we watched Christmas movies for awhile (Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and Frosty the Snowman). Then we wrapped the presents that I had already bought before her mom picked her up. Overall, it was a good day. Hopefully that’s how Nataly will remember it, if she remembers it at all.
After work I went grocery shopping. While I was shopping I picked up (and put back) Christmas presents for the kids. I also had to buy new Advent candles because three of mine wouldn’t light today. I spent literally hours looking for purple and pink candles and never found them. Instead I bought a five candle candelabra with the intention of tying ribbon in the appropriate places. When I got home I started working on it, but then I found it.
Neelix (the dog) has been plucking ornaments off the tree since I put it up. What I found was the first one he had destroyed. It had been made for me by a now deceased friend out of terra cotta balls and a mini planter- it was a snowman that meant a lot to me. Now it’s in the garbage. I FLIPPED out and started screaming at the dog. I wound up angrily putting all of my Christmas decorations away so nothing else could get destroyed. Mom had previously pulled all the hangers off a bunch of cheap ball ornaments I had for very basic decorations because Nick tried to eat them and she had promised to fix them for me. Instead they had sat there for three days, in the place she puts stuff she wants me to put away. I asked her if she was going to fix them or if I should throw them away and she got mad at me and told me to throw them away if I was going to have an attitude. So I did. Then I put away all my ornaments and brewed a pot of tea to relax myself.
I feel better now that I’ve written all of this, but I have literally no Christmas spirit left. It’s all drained away from me in a blur of rage and sorrow.