Tuesday, July 16, 2013

And also, even more crappy poetry

Says he thinks I’m beautiful
He makes me feel like it’s true
Lose my inhibitions, constraints, and walls when he’s around
I forget all that haunts me
Ghosts stop chasing me and I’m left with just me in my head
I would have guessed that I always was
But the voices that tell me I’m nothing,
They aren’t my voice
They fade away and let me hear myself
I’m not perfect,
But I’m good enough
My insecurities, my fears
Poisoning my hopes
Staining my dreams
The cause of my downfall

If I had known the night we shared
Would be our only morning
I would have savored it
Snuggled in your arms
Cuddled up against your body
Dozed a little longer
Enjoyed a little more

Instead I felt things
And only knew how to show you with my body
You said we don't mesh
Because I prioritize sex
You didn't want a relationship
Didn't want me to be serious
But you didn't want me to want you
I don't know what you wanted
Don't understand what this should have been
Could have been
Would have been

Not looking for anything serious,
I'll take what the world throws me
But now I'm hating that the world threw me nothing but confusion
Left me missing what I didn't think I wanted
Left me wishing that I understood


I was frozen, running away
Scared of how I felt
Of what I wanted
It took me months to learn to say it
And when I finally admitted my attraction,
You said you felt it too
But that we couldn't
That you wouldn't

But drunk on attraction and whiskey
I made you anyway
Begged you to try
Kissed you in the parking lot at five am
After hours of talking about why you said no

And for awhile it was all okay
You watched out for my health
Asked me to be safe
Made me think you cared about me
It took me months to learn to say it
Only took you weeks to say no
Walk away
Decide that we should just be friends
Sex only got in the way
You didn’t know I never cared about sex
I wanted you
Mind and body


When we first talked about what I wanted you said you wanted it too
Yet only wanted to be friends at the same time
But I can’t live like that
Knowing that what I want is just out of reach
A phone call away

I live in a simple world, no shades, no halfways
I can’t want you and ignore it
Can’t pretend I don’t want to touch
Look away
I’d rather have nothing at all
Than the halfway thing you offered me
And somehow you accepted that
Gave in to me
Made me think it’d be okay

Now I’m back to watching friends slip off to be alone together
Husbands and boyfriends who check in
See if everything’s okay
Stop and give a kiss before they leave
Wives and girlfriends who hurry home to say goodnight to someone special
While I’m sitting alone, late at night, wishing for what I’ve never found
Lost your friendship
Lost your interest
Still don’t really know how

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