Monday, October 10, 2011

I'm finally blogging again!

I'm having a rough time lately, and honestly a lot of it is hard to share with the internet, so I haven't really been blogging lately. But I feel bad, like I'm disappointing my readers, even though most of you know me in real life and have at least some idea of what's going on. Plus, I tend to feel better when I write things down, so I'm going to share. Watch out, cause there's a lot coming at you in the next paragraphs, and I'm not going to censor it!

My mom didn't tell me this until I asked, over a week after she told my sister-in-law. But, she's kicking me out of my house. I don't think there's a solid date yet, but I'm expecting it in the next few weeks. She says she needs the money from renting the house, and I can't even really afford half of what she's asking for, although she might be willing to rent it to me for that. The catch being, that if I do pay the rent I stay in the basement, paying far more than I can afford for the crappy living situation I'm in now, but worse because I'm even broker. I have a few ideas, a few choices, but none of them are good. I've applied for a few second jobs, but in this economy I'm not counting on such things. I have in my hands (metaphorically) a resume and application for a prime (although draining) job at a local residential school, but I'm afraid to mail it in.* I'm afraid to leave my current job, in case I should lose the new job and be stranded without anything. I'm afraid of failing, and so instead I'm doing nothing.
I've been collecting quotes on pinterest, quotes that I hope will motivate me to move forward.
"The hardest step for a runner is the first one out the front door." I use this as motivation in my workouts, but it can be motivation for my life too. The hardest step in life, is the first one out of your comfort zone.
"I'd rather have a life of 'oh wells' than 'what ifs'." True. Yet when I look back on my life, it's almost all "what ifs". What if I had gone to the college I wanted, when I wanted? What if I had done better in school? What if I stood up for my desires? What if I could let my real self known to those people that I wish knew me? Instead I let go of my dreams and stagnate. I still think "oh well" but it's not "oh well that didn't work out the way I wanted it to", it's more "oh well, I guess I won't get that".
"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all- in which case you fail by default" -J. K. Rowling. I fully agree with that, yet I live my life that exact default life. I never take risks, at least not the ones that truly matter. I need to keep this in mind a little better.

All that brings me to another point, another thing that is...hard for me. Over the weekend two of my dear friends got married. I'm excited for them. I'm so happy that so many of my friends have found their soulmates (a word I usually hate, but fits here if you know the couples I'm talking about). Four of my good friends married this year in two unforgettable weddings (I count both members of both couples as close friends). Yet I haven't managed to be in a solid relationship since high school. I've barely even managed dates in years. I don't know why it's so hard for me, but it is nearly impossible for me interact with men outside of friendship. I want to. But I freeze up, I totally fail at flirting, I just generally fail at social interactions. Which honestly, I really only know like five men- three of them are my friends' husbands, and two of them are my friend's brothers. Not exactly an open field for dating. Don't worry, I have quotes about this too-
"I refuse to settle for something less than great. And if it takes a lifetime, then that's how long I'll wait." - Dolly Parton. It's true. I won't settle, but the wait can be lonely.
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love , it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." Perhaps my expectations are to high. Perhaps I to fully assimilated the lessons of Disney as a girl. I don't know. I just know I love this quote.
"It's hard to wait for something when you know it might never happen; but it's even harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want."

I might be depressed. I'm looking down the barrel of homelessness. I'm sick of being stuck, of being mediocre, but I don't know how to change it. I'm lonely. So sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm a little depressed, and it's hard to write the way I want people to rememer about me, when I can barely remember myself that way.

*To go back to my housing choices- there are a few others that just didn't fit in the above paragraph, but they aren't any better than the others.
I have a friend who sometimes rents a room in her house, but I don't want to ask her about it (actually she's tentatively mentioned it to me, but I still don't want to take her up on it). I don't want her to resent me the way she sometimes resents her last roommate. I don't want to potentially lose a friend.
I could live in my car. But you can see the inherent problems with that one.
I I think those are all my choices.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you finally wrote again. :) I've missed you.

    As for your struggles right now... well, you know what I'd say... Give it to Jesus. :) Just something to think about.

    I'm praying for you.

    Other than that... I can't help with the housing situation. I so much wish that I could. :(

    And as for the guys... you have a lot to offer any man that would date you. I think you need to stop being so afraid. And maybe when you DO see other guys (not your "off limits" ones), be yourself. Your REAL self. Because even though very few of us have seen it... and very few times... its you, and it's beautiful! :)