Monday, January 9, 2012

Self Image

I don't really know if post should go here, or on my other blog. But I'm going to put it here, because I want to and it's my blog.

So I've been struggling to lose weight for a few months now. As you may know (especially if you read the other blog, or actually know me), I've been on South Beach since late summer, and I've been trying to workout. I made a goal to lose 100 pounds, which would take me from 245 pounds (obese, unhealthy, and unhappy) to 145 pounds. I also decided that since I have never weighed so little, I would sort of reassess that goal as I lost weight, in case 145 pounds is actually unreasonable or unhealthy in some way, even though the BMI calculator definately says that it's "normal".
In the ensuing months I've lost about 35 of those pounds, so I'm now at 210. That's fantastic, and I'm proud of myself for losing weight, and being healthier. However, I don't actually see the difference. When I look in the mirror, I see the exact same body that I saw 35 pounds ago. People stop me to ask if I'm losing weight, or to tell me that I'm looking great, some people even ask how I'm doing it because they want to try what I'm doing. One co-worker even jumped on the South Beach diet train about two months after me. I've dropped several clothing sizes, and am even in clothes I NEVER thought would fit me. But I can not see the change at all.
I get discouraged about the effort I'm putting into dieting and exercising because even though I FEEL different, I FEEL healthier, I dont' think it's working. I think it's wasted effort because even as the number on the scale and the size of my clothes changes, I don't think I'm actually losing any weight. I tell myself that the scale is wrong (partially because it ways I was 30 pounds more on the opposite end of my room), that my size is changing because of "vanity sizing", that my clothes are to big because they stretch out in the wash.... For some reason it's much easier for me to believe all of that, than that I actually lost any weight.

I'm writing this post, not so that readers can or will feel bad for, or so that those of you who know me in real life will say something about it, but because I think that self-image is an issue that many people struggle with. I write this because a blogger whom I admire wrote this week about her fight with depression and with self-harm. Although that post was hard for her to write, I know it helped alot of people stuggling with the same issue. My self-image issues aren't on par with what she's dealing with, but I hope that by writing it down for all to see, perhaps I can help someone too. So, I'm going to be honest about this, and I'm going to talk about my struggle for a more positive self-image in the hopes that someone else can gain something from it. Hope you're ready!!!

1 comment:

  1. I'm ready. :)
    Also... trust me... you're losing weight. I can tell. :) And I don't lie. You know that.
    Don't be discouraged and don't let yourself tell you lies. Believe in yourself. :)