I didn't really expect to get back to this so quickly, but as I feel led, so I shall write.
So as part of my "improve self-image" process I've been spending some time on My Body Gallery this website where women post pictures of themselves (with the faces blocked usually) along with their "stats" (size, height, weight). This is so that women with body issues like mine can look at pictures of other people who are their same height and weight and see what that looks like on another person, without the self-judgement about being fat, no matter your real size.
Here is a fairly current picture of me. (I only have one picture of me taken in the last six months or so, so although I have a whole post about this picture, and it's not really a prime picture for this post, I shall share it now. For your reference. You are welcome.)
I currently weigh 206 and am (according to my doctor, although not in real life) 5' 10" (Leah is an inch taller than me in real life and she insists she is 5' 9" so I'm confused, but whatever- just go with it).
This woman also weighs 206 and is 5'10".
There were no pictures of women who were 5'9" and 206 lbs, I got as close as I could. This woman is 5'9" and 200 lbs. Just since I can't be sure of my height with the whole Leah thing.
Now...just for the sake of understanding what I'm trying to stop thinking- here's what *I* see when I look in the mirror.
I'm not actually sure if it's fair to post this woman's weight given that what I'm saying could be taken in a negative context, and that is the opposite of the point of the website. I DON'T MEAN IT THAT WAY AT ALL!! I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with this woman. What I am saying is that weight is searchable in 10 pound increments, and wanting to be fair, I started searching for a picture to match what I see in the mirror at my actual weight, only moving up by 10 pounds each time I failed to find what I was looking for. It took until I was in the 290 lbs category that I found what I was looking for. That is what I find sick about this whole thing. Not what any of these women weigh (myself included) but how far I had to stray from my actual weight before I could find something that looked like "me". That is what I'm fighting with right now.