Despite the fact that I paid twelve dollars to see A Midsummer’s Night Dream, my real goal was to hear your cell phone ringtone. Therefore, please do not under any circumstances turn off your phone per the years of instruction from the mass use of cell phones began and the usher at the beginning of the show. Also, because my real goal is to hear about your life, not about the most complicated love triangle of Shakespeare’s time, please do not reject the call and return it at a more convenient time. It is much better if you go ahead and answer the call. It is clearly better for us all to hear this conversation…
“I can’t talk now. [short pause] No I’m at the theatre. [Short pause] A Midsummer’s Night Dream. [short pause] At the community college. [long pause] No it’s surprisingly good. I’ll tell you about it at dinner. (Please note that the show is ending at six and therefore the speaker is planning on meeting the caller almost immediately after the show.) [Short pause] Okay, bye.”
…than to hear Oberon explaining what the flower he wants Puck to pick for him will do therefore setting up the entire rest of the play. Also, by using your loudest stage whisper you can show your respect to the actors and to the rest of the theatre. I do so hope that I will run into you again next weekend at M*A*S*H.
** A Note**
This actually happened last weekend. I did not intend on mentioning it, but I've been annoyed about it all week and I really am going to see another play tonight. Also, there was almost carnage in the lobby during intermission, as half the theatre was at least as annoyed as I was.