Tonight I sit in the parking lot of a college campus, listening to “Tonight I Wanna Cry” and dwelling on my regrets. I’d like to say I’ve lived a life I can’t or don’t regret, but there’s so much I’d change if I could have the last ten days, months, or years back. It does not help that the capus I sit on, in the college I dreamed of attending and didn’t.
Ten days ago I set in motion a chain of effects that resulted in an angry boss, when I over reacted to a piece of gossip that I should have ignored. Ten months ago I opened my heart, when I should have turned away. There are guards a woman should keep in place no matter how forlorn she is. Lines on should never cross, not even in one’s mind, in a moment of lonely weakness. In the words of the song I am listening to, “It’s gonna hurt bad before it gets better”. Ten years ago the world was at my feet. I could do anything, be anything, I wanted. I could have seized the world by the tail and been someone great. Instead, I sit here tonight in a college parking lot dreaming of what could have been. Tomorrow I will return to my room in my mom’s basement. This was not my plan.
Regrets, on discovers to late, don’t disappear just because one wishes them to. They follow me, like specters of the past, haunting me, yet not causing me to make better decisions.